5 Ways Your Childhood Affects Your Romantic Relationships
Whether we like it or not, our upbringing influences our romantic relationships, how we develop and function in romantic relationships, and give and receive love. So, the more we can become aware of these influences, the more we can understand how to use them to benefit, rather than harm, our relationships.
During our childhood, we learn ways to exist in the world and relate to others. Yet the challenges don’t have to be permanent — with some support, healing is possible.
We live what we learn, until we decide not to, and then make necessary changes.
How Childhood Trauma Affects Your Relationships
Our early developmental years during our childhood have a significant and lasting effect on the way we interact with our partners. For example, if you experienced childhood trauma, it often impacts your adult romantic relationships.
The first step toward understanding the role of childhood in your romantic relationships is to examine the role that your parents or caretakers played in shaping you.
This relationship is our first exposure on how to communicate and interact in a romantic relationship. As a child, you are a sponge, constantly watching and absorbing all the interactions between your parents or caretakers.
So, it would reason that you would accept the ways things are because of what you are seeing - even if it’s not great or unhealthy. Because you don’t know what you don’t know.
How Childhood Emotional Neglect Affects Romantic Relationships
Warm and nurturing parents. Research shows that when parents are warm and nurturing, their children are more likely to have high self-esteem and healthy romantic relationships later in life. They will feel more secure in their ability to navigate the ups and downs in life and in relationships.
And because they may feel more secure in themselves, they often will choose people who are often secure as well.
Unaffectionate parents. When parents are not affectionate or rarely show affection towards their partner or you, or are avoidant or anxious in relationships, their children are more anxious or avoidant as adults.
And if parents or caretakers expressed anger towards one another, their were emotionally immature, and their relationship was conflictual, depending on how they managed this, will also affect how you communicate and manage conflict in your relationships. These are different types of dysfunctional families.
Despite there being many ways that parents and caretakers influence a child’s upbringing, the result is the same - your upbringing, those early years are significant in how you learn to relate to yourself and others, communicate, manage the ups and downs of life, and interact within a romantic relationship.
And yet despite the impact of your upbringing, change is always possible.
5 Ways Your Childhood Affects Your Romantic Relationships as an Adult:
1. Your Relationship Values and Lifestyle
The values you grew up with—respect, honesty, patience, gratitude—shape how you connect with others as an adult. They influence your choices in relationships, work, and life. Ask yourself: Which values did I inherit? Do I still agree with them? How do they show up in my life today? When your values align with a partner’s, things often feel “right.” When they don’t, conflict or disconnection tends to grow.
2. How You Manage Emotions and Communicate
The way your parents expressed (or avoided) emotions becomes your model. Maybe you grew up around yelling, silence, or mixed messages. Or maybe you saw healthy communication—listening, compromise, and respect. Most people were never taught healthy communication, so it’s worth reflecting: How did I learn to express myself? Do I repeat patterns that don’t serve me? With awareness, you can change the script.
3. Your Views on Marriage
What you saw at home—whether it was harmony, conflict, divorce, or avoidance—likely shaped your beliefs about marriage. Some people stay even when they’re unhappy, because that’s what they saw. Others fear marriage altogether. Your experience doesn’t have to dictate your future, but knowing where your views come from gives you power to choose differently.
4. Your Relationship with Money
Money is emotional. Did your family save, overspend, fight about it, or avoid it altogether? Those patterns can show up in your adult relationships. The key is noticing: Do I see money as security, freedom, or stress? Do my views match or clash with my partner’s? Awareness here can prevent a lot of conflict later.
5. Your Attachment Style
Our first bonds with caregivers create “attachment styles” that follow us into adulthood:
Secure: Comfortable with closeness and independence.
Anxious: Fear of abandonment, need for constant reassurance.
Avoidant: Keep distance, fear intimacy.
Fearful-Avoidant: Want closeness but also fear rejection.
If you grew up with love and support, secure attachment is more likely. If you grew up with inconsistency or neglect, you may lean toward insecurity in relationships. The good news? Attachment patterns aren’t fixed—you can heal and shift them with self-awareness and intentional effort.
Questions to Ask Yourself About Relationships
If you want to improve your relationships, it helps to look back at how your childhood shaped you. Here are a few reflection questions to guide you:
1. What do I want to carry forward from my upbringing?
Every childhood leaves both positive and negative imprints. Think about the values, communication styles, or habits you’d like to keep—and the ones you’d prefer to leave behind.
2. What patterns am I repeating that I’d like to change?
Do you find yourself stuck in circular arguments? Avoiding conflict? Over-explaining? Identifying these patterns is the first step toward breaking them.
3. What role models am I following?
If you had positive role models, great—use them as a guide. If not, ask yourself: What would a healthy model of happiness and connection look like for me? That’s the vision you want to move toward.
Breaking the Cycle You Learned in Childhood
You are not stuck with the patterns you grew up with. Change is always possible through awareness, intention, and small daily shifts. Here are a few starting points:
Reflect: Journal about your thoughts, feelings, and recurring patterns in relationships. Writing helps connect the dots.
Gain perspective: Talk with siblings, parents, or trusted people to get a broader view—even if their memories differ from yours.
Observe: Notice when old family dynamics sneak into your current relationships. Ask yourself: Am I replaying something from childhood?
Educate yourself: Read, listen, or learn from resources that offer new ways of communicating and relating.
Do a relationship inventory: Step back and assess what’s working, what isn’t, and what you want to change.
Bottom line: You can’t change the family you grew up in, but you can change how those early lessons shape your adult relationships.
If you're looking to improve your relationships, it's important to understand how childhood trauma can affect relationships. These are some questions you’ll want to ask yourself.
Final Thoughts
Your childhood shaped you, but it doesn’t define you. By asking the right questions, noticing patterns, and committing to small shifts, you can break cycles that no longer serve you. Remember, change doesn’t happen overnight—but with awareness, reflection, and intentional choices, you can build healthier, more fulfilling relationships that align with the person you are becoming, not the past you grew up in
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