8 Pillars Of A Strong Relationship
A strong and healthy relationship is built on many things. Having these components increases the likelihood that you have a strong and sustainable relationship. In this blog, I share eight pillars of a strong relationship.
Couples argue about a lot of things - sex, kids, money, intimacy, lifestyle, work stress among others. But often they are fighting because they feel disconnected and as a result feel they cannot communicate.
3 Questions to Ask Your Partner:
There are three main relationship pillars that all couples need to understand to build a strong relationship. Both you and your partner want to know:
Can I count on you?
Do you have my back?
Can I rely on you?
In a healthy relationship, couples can answer ‘yes’ to these three questions consistently. These questions are the main pillars of love and are key to building a successful relationship.
What are we looking for in a relationship?
When we enter into a relationship, we want to matter to our partner. We are looking to be visible and important without being too codependent. Literally to be seen.
We want to know our efforts are noticed and appreciated. And that we are validated, heard, and listened to in all those important moments.
We all want to experience the warmth and connection and feel attached to our most important person.
And by “turning toward” one another, being empathic and listening to listen and not listening to respond or being defensive, is key is staying connected. The goal is to share with your partner what you need from them and how you feel - without blaming them.
We want to be able to rely on them and know they are consistent and reliable. Being reliable for one another makes each person feel safe. When we can rely on our partner, we can count on them to follow through and this makes us feel secure.
Wired for Love
In the book, Wired for Love, Dr. Tatkin shares that strong relationship pillars are trust and a sense of safety. It’s critical to build a safe and secure ‘bubble’ — one that can withstand the ups and downs of life and one where couples feel safe and secure talking about anything.
In my years of practice, these are some also core relationship pillars that create a strong foundation in couples and rise to the top, creating the ‘must have’ list.
Although this list of love pillars is not exhaustive, it does provide many key relationship guidelines.
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Core Relationship Pillars to build a Strong Foundation
1. Feeling understood
The first pillar of love is that we want to be understood and understand our partners.
All too often, a partner will attempt to solve the problem or react in a way that resonates with them, not their partner. Or they try and figure out what they are trying to say or how they might need help.
But in truth, the solution is much simpler than that. In the HuffPo article by Alexander James, he points out that just asking just that one simple question will save you from arguing more times than not.
2. Validation from your partner
In our attempt to ease any negative feelings we are experiencing from our partner, we unintentionally invalidate your partner by saying things like ‘you shouldn’t feel that way’, or ‘that’s not what I meant’. This will quickly put the other person on the defensive and can be a major red flag in a relationship.
They will not feel heard or feel that how they are feeling in the moment is right.
Most people unintentionally invalidate their partner often because they don’t want to see them distressed. However, just stating, ‘‘how can I help you?’ will lead to a deeper connection. Your partner will feel validated, safe, and secure and will feel like they can count and rely on you to be there for them.
3. Being heard and seen
Being both heard and seen in a relationship are crucial to connectedness and a vital pillar of love. They both help us build our sense of self. We feel that our partner ‘gets us’ and understands who we are.
They are present with us and see us for who we are and equally important, who we are not. How many times have you or your partner said, ‘that’s not what I am saying’ or ‘you are not hearing me’ — ‘you are not listening.
These are all too common complaints that a person expresses. After a while, they start to feel frustrated and then arguments ensue over the wrong things. The real argument is often because a person doesn’t feel heard and seen. They feel invisible or not worthy of your time and energy.
4. Expressing emotional vulnerability
Being emotionally vulnerable means that you are able to share your feelings on a deep, emotional level with your partner and you are able to express love and trust.
If you are able to do this, you can provide clarity to your partner and create the type of space that allows you to be emotionally vulnerable and available in your relationship.
Learning how to be emotionally vulnerable also means having and cultivating a strong emotional connection. This is not a sign of weakness, but of strength. We need this emotional connection to thrive and survive.
Good relationships keep us happier and healthier. Brene Brown has written extensively on this topic and says “Vulnerability is our most accurate way to measure courage, and we literally do that as researchers.”
It’s life’s way of calling us to be more courageous, to show up, use our voice, be present and share our deepest fears, feelings and thoughts to create deeper love, connection and commitment.”
So, if you are looking for a relationship guideline - learn to get vulnerable with your partner.
5. Remaining curious
Remember in the early days of your relationship, when being together was enough and you would spend a lot of time asking questions, because you were interested and curious. Where did those days drift off to? Do you still ask your partner questions? Are you still curious about them or do you think you know everything about them?
Continue to ask them questions as this is a vital pillar of a strong relationship, and a way to engage with one another. Asking more questions will help you find meaningful ways to deepen your connection with your partner.
6. Being interested
Sure, it’s nice to be interesting but there is a significant importance in being interested in your partner, and is definitely an important relationship pillar. Being interested in your partner deepens the bond. And going beyond the proverbial, ‘How was your day’ is key.
Asking, How are you feeling today? Help me to understand what’s going on for you. Do you want to talk about anything in particular? Being aware of how they might be feeling or understanding how their work or other relationships affect them, provides the opportunity for a deeper conversation and greater understanding.
7. Providing support
Providing support to your partner means that you are listening to what kind of support they need — not supporting in ways that you think are best. This is a crucial pillar of love.
A person feels loved and supported and ‘you have their back’ by meeting them where they are and extending support that resonates with them.
One way to support them is to understand what their love language is. Doing this fills their tank up and again says — yeah, you get me. I feel supported and loved in the ways that are important to me.
8. Sharing values and lifestyle
Building strong relationship pillars includes having shared goals and similar lifestyles. Do we have to do everything together? No. But, by and large, having similar and shared interests and lifestyles helps couples build strong bonds.
You feel like a unit. A team. Connected. However, even if there are differences, it’s how couples negotiate those differences that are the key.
How we give and receive love is not only a relationship goal but creates the safety, security, and connectedness we all yearn for in our relationship.
Final Thoughts.
Building a strong relationship is key for it to be sustainable. A strong foundation is built on trust, respect, reliability, strength, emotional connection, being emotionally available, and showing up for one another that makes each person feel its ‘us vs them’ not you vs me. We are in this together as we continue to build something strong.
interested in working together?
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