What Causes Codependency?

attachment stylestoxic relationshipscodependency

May 13

The meaning of codependency is not just a buzzword; it's a profound exploration of how individuals intertwine their identities, emotions, and self-worth with others. Codependency often starts in childhood through unhealthy dynamics between a parent and child as it silently shapes the dynamics of this relationship. Codependency refers to a dysfunctional pattern of behavior where one person excessively relies on another for their sense of identity, self-worth, and emotional well-being.

This dependency often manifests in various forms, such as enabling unhealthy behaviors, feeling responsible for others' emotions or actions, and neglecting your own needs and boundaries in favor of meeting the needs of others.

Understanding the meaning of codependency often is a journey of self-discovery, empathy, and recognizing the delicate balance between nurturing others and preserving your autonomy. It is not a condition limited to romantic relationships. It can and often does manifest in various types of connections, leading to unhealthy patterns of dependency, enabling behaviors, and an erosion of one's sense of self.

Whether you're a partner, family member, friend, or even someone struggling with codependency yourself, understanding this complex concept is essential for fostering healthier connections.

By exploring the root causes and consequences of codependency, you can better grasp how it shapes your interactions, emotions, and overall well-being.

This article explores:

Signs and symptoms of codependency
Understanding the root causes of codependency
Two main causes of codependency
The impact of codependency on relationships
Codependency in families and its effects
Insight and strategies to overcome codependency

Either way, it creates a no-win situation for a child that creates co-dependency. Despite your upbringing, you can start to make changes to become less codependent. In this interactive workbook, there are codependency checklists, assessments, and codependent worksheets to help you understand your codependent behaviors so you can learn to change and grow and create healthier relationships with self and others.

Signs and Symptoms of Codependency

Codependency often goes unnoticed, as its symptoms can be subtle and easily mistaken for other issues. However, recognizing the signs is crucial for addressing this underlying dynamic.

Some common signs of codependency include:

Excessive care taking: You often prioritize others' needs and neglect their own. They have a strong desire to be needed and tend to take on the role of a caretaker, even at the expense of their own well-being.
Low self-esteem: You often have a distorted sense of self-worth, seeking validation and approval from others. They may feel unworthy of love or fear abandonment if they don't meet others' expectations.
Difficulty setting boundaries: You struggle with asserting their own needs and boundaries. They may have a hard time saying no or feel guilty when prioritizing self-care.

Other common signs are:

Feeling you cannot live without the other person.
Feeling responsible for solving other people’s problems.
Feel a compulsive need to stay connected with the person, forgoing self. You have lost a sense of self.
Have a difficult time making decisions. This is often due to being hyper-focused on the other person’s needs and not yours. This happens when you are raised to focus on your parent and not yourself.
You take on the task of fixing someone else’s issues that they should be working on.
Your identity is entwined and enmeshed with the other person.
You have a hard time setting healthy boundaries.
You have difficulty acknowledging your needs or feel you deserve to think about them and put yourself first.
You have controlling behaviors.
You have a fear of rejection.

Understanding these signs is the first step towards addressing codependency. It is important to remember that codependency is not a character flaw but a learned behavior that can be unlearned with awareness and support.

Understanding the Root Causes of Codependency

Codependency often develops in response to dysfunctional family dynamics or traumatic experiences. Understanding the root causes can provide valuable insights into why codependency persists and how to address it effectively.

Family of origin: Growing up in a family where one or both parents were codependent can increase the likelihood of developing codependent traits. Children learn to adapt to their environment and may adopt codependent behaviors as a means of seeking love, approval, or stability.
Parents are not perfect and often have their own internal struggles that they have not worked through. It is common that they will pass on inappropriate and unhealthy behaviors to their children, resulting in codependency. This is not to blame them - we all have struggles, but to help a person understand where their codependency is often rooted.
When this dynamic is established, a child learns early in life that their needs are not important, so they put their needs aside for their parents. Over time, this is how they see themselves—forsaking themselves and their needs for another person.
Also, a child has been put in the role of caretaker or rescuer, which provides them a sense of purpose in life. Unfortunately, this type of upbringing can result in becoming codependent in relationships that are unhealthy
Childhood trauma: Childhood abuse, neglect, or abandonment can leave lasting emotional scars and contribute to the development of codependency. Survivors of trauma may internalize the belief that they are responsible for others' happiness and well-being, leading to codependent tendencies.
Enmeshment: Enmeshment refers to blurred boundaries and a lack of individuality within relationships. Codependents often become enmeshed with their partners, family members, or friends, losing their sense of self in the process.

By exploring the root causes of codependency, individuals can gain a deeper understanding of how their past experiences have influenced their current patterns of behavior. This self-awareness lays the foundation for healing and growth.

Looking to become less codependent? Check out my interactive eBook!

In my interactive Codependent eBook, here are a few things that are covered:

how to create less codependency in relationships
complete codependent worksheets and a codependent test to create lasting changes
how toxic and codependent relationships often exist together.
ways to overcome trauma and abuse from being codependent
ways to improve your self-esteem

BOOK A FREE 15 MINUTE CONSULTATION

The 2 Main Causes of Codependency

There are two main causes of codependency that prevent the healthy development of a child - an over or under protective parent. And in many ways, these ways represent the overarching theme of neglect and trauma. This could also be the result of an active addiction, family strife, divorce, or unresolved mental health issues of a parent.

1. Overprotective parents

An overprotective parent prevents their child from making mistakes, falling down, and learning how to get back up - which builds confidence and self-esteem.

This occurs when the parent is anxious and passes on their anxiety about life onto their child. Or you might have been so coddled that you cannot do even the basic things in life on your own-wash your clothes, cook, iron, or manage your money.

The parents provide too much support, hindering healthy development. They do this by removing all the obstacles and risks in life, rendering the child emotionally, mentally, and psychologically ‘handicapped.’

Unfortunately, doing this prevents the child from experiencing pain, rejection, or failure—all feelings that are important in life to build confidence, resilience, grit, and growth.

These relationships often become boundless and enmeshed, which can be a major red flag. When there is enmeshment, a parent will often overshare with their child inappropriate information around daily decision-making when the child isn’t emotionally able to manage this.

Unfortunately, this creates an overly dependent relationship on the parent while discouraging independence. The child grows up without a healthy level of self-esteem or confidence. They also learn they cannot take care of themselves and need someone to do that for them.

2. Under protective parents

On the other side is a parent who is under protective and extremely ‘hands off.’ This creates codependency by not supporting the child enough. The parent may do this due to an active addiction, always working, or struggling with their own mental health issues.

Yes, it’s important to be independent, but it should be age-appropriate as a child learns (over time) to become increasingly independent. If the child doesn’t receive enough support, they feel lonely and unsafe in an often scary world. They think if their parent or parents cannot protect them, give them guidance and support and keep them safe, then who will?

Often when a child is put in this type of situation, they become too independent, rejecting any help or support from another person. But the feelings of aloneness and not feeling loved and supported, remain.

They also become parentified in a way that puts them in a parental role - emotionally and mentally - that doesn’t coincide with their age. For example, raising young siblings in ways that the parent should be doing, which just compensates for the neglect by the parent.

Interested in living a more intentional and purposeful life? Check out my new interactive workbook that has 57 thought-provoking questions to help guide you here!

The Impact of Codependency on Relationships

Codependency can have a profound impact on relationships, often leading to unhealthy dynamics and emotional distress for all parties involved. Some common effects of codependency on relationships include:

Imbalanced power dynamics: Codependents may find themselves in relationships where one person has more control and the other person is overly reliant on their approval and validation. This imbalance can lead to resentment, manipulation, and an erosion of trust.

Lack of authenticity: Codependents may struggle to express their true thoughts, feelings, and desires, fearing rejection or conflict. This can result in a lack of genuine connection and emotional intimacy within relationships.

Reinforcement of destructive behaviors: Codependents often enable the destructive behaviors of their partners or loved ones, unintentionally perpetuating the cycle of addiction, abuse, or other harmful patterns.

Recognizing the impact of codependency on relationships is essential for breaking free from these destructive patterns. It requires a commitment to personal growth, setting boundaries, and fostering healthy communication.

Codependency in Families and Its Effects

Codependency is frequently observed within families, where it can have far-reaching effects on the well-being of all members. Some common manifestations of codependency in families include:

Enabling behaviors: Family members may enable the addictive or dysfunctional behaviors of a loved one, inadvertently prolonging their suffering and preventing them from seeking help.

Poor emotional boundaries: Codependent families often lack healthy emotional boundaries, leading to emotional enmeshment, a lack of individuality, and a sense of responsibility for others' feelings and actions.

Generational transmission: Codependency can be passed down through generations, as children learn codependent behaviors from their parents and repeat the same patterns in their own relationships.

Breaking the cycle of codependency within families requires open communication, therapy, and a willingness to challenge long-held beliefs and behaviors. It is a collective effort that can lead to healing and healthier future generations.

Codependency in Romantic Relationships

While codependency can manifest in any type of relationship, it is particularly prevalent in romantic partnerships. Some common dynamics observed in codependent relationships include:

Excessive clinginess: Codependent partners may become overly reliant on their significant other for their emotional well-being, leading to an unhealthy level of attachment and fear of abandonment.

Loss of identity: Codependents often lose sight of their own needs, desires, and aspirations, as they prioritize their partner's happiness above their own. This can lead to a loss of individuality and a lack of fulfillment.

Feeling responsible for the partner's emotions: Codependents may take on the role of emotional caretaker, constantly trying to fix or control their partner's emotions. This can lead to a sense of burden and exhaustion.

Breaking free from codependent patterns in romantic relationships requires open communication, individual self-work, and a commitment to building a healthy sense of self. It involves learning to prioritize one's own needs and fostering interdependence rather than unhealthy dependency.

How to Overcome Codependency

Healing and Recovery from Codependency

Healing from codependency is a deeply personal journey that requires self-reflection, support, and a willingness to confront uncomfortable emotions. While each person's path to recovery may be unique, some general steps that can aid in healing from codependency include:

Self-awareness: Recognizing and acknowledging codependent patterns is the first step towards healing. This involves being honest with oneself and examining the underlying beliefs and behaviors that contribute to codependency.
Therapy: Seeking therapy is often instrumental in the recovery process. Therapists can provide guidance, support, and tools to help individuals navigate the complexities of codependency and develop healthier relationship dynamics.
Building a support network: Surrounding oneself with supportive friends, family, or support groups can provide a sense of belonging and validation. It can also offer opportunities for learning from others' experiences and finding inspiration for change.

Recovering from codependency is a gradual process that requires patience, self-compassion, and a commitment to personal growth. It involves learning to set boundaries, prioritize self-care, and cultivate healthier relationships.

Self-Care and Self-Love for Codependents

Practicing self-care and self-love is crucial for codependents to break free from their patterns and develop healthier relationships. Some self-care practices that can support codependents on their journey include:

Setting boundaries: Learning to set and enforce boundaries is essential for codependents. This involves saying no when necessary, prioritizing one's own needs, and being assertive in communication.
Prioritizing self-care: Engaging in activities that bring joy, relaxation, and fulfillment is essential for codependents. This can include hobbies, exercise, meditation, or any other practice that promotes self-nurturing.
Cultivating self-compassion: Codependents often struggle with self-judgment and self-criticism. Cultivating self-compassion involves treating oneself with kindness, understanding, and acceptance, even in times of struggle.

By prioritizing self-care and self-love, codependents can gradually break free from their patterns and build healthier relationships based on mutual respect, interdependence, and genuine connection

Other ways you can begin to overcome your codependency:

Learn how to identify your thoughts and feelings.
Practice spending time alone and writing about what is coming up for you.
Lean into the discomfort and recognize it’s there for you to grow.
Practice making small decisions that are good for you.
Learn to set healthy boundaries - one small step at a time.
Give yourself some grace.
Understand your attachment style and how it affects your relationships and how you show up.
Read more on how to overcome your codependency here. In this interactive workbook, there are codependency checklists, assessments, and codependent worksheets to help you understand your codependent behaviors so you can learn to change and grow and create healthier relationships with self and others.

Final Thoughts

The process of becoming less codependent is not always easy but you can learn to become less codependent. You should expect ups and downs and many ‘fits and starts.’ It’s all part of growing and changing but that’s okay.

Codependency is a complex and often hidden dynamic that can significantly impact your relationships and overall well-being. By understanding the signs, root causes, and consequences of codependency, you can begin to unravel its hidden impact and work towards healthier, more fulfilling connections.

Recovering from codependency requires self-awareness, therapy, and a commitment to personal growth. It involves breaking free from enabling behaviors, setting healthy boundaries, and prioritizing self-care and self-love.

Remember, healing from codependency is a journey. Be patient with yourself, seek support when needed, and celebrate each step towards healthier relationships and a more empowered sense of self. It's time to break free from the hidden impact of codependency and embrace the beauty of interdependence.

But by taking teeny tiny steps and one change at a time, there will be a shift. And despite your upbringing and being codependent, there are things you can do to become less codependent .

It all begins with an awareness of how you became codependent, how this affects your relationship with others as well as yourself, and then taking the small steps to change and become less codependent.

Do you feel like you are too codependent in your relationship? I offer free 15-minute consultations to discuss how we can work together to overcome your co-dependency. Book your FREE 15 minute consultation here !

Still need help overcoming being codependent? Check out my eBook here