How to Become Less Codependent in Your Relationship
Codependency is an emotional condition marked by excessive reliance on another for approval, identity, or self-worth. In codependent relationships, you may sacrifice your needs for your partner's, resulting in imbalance and a sense of responsibility for their emotions and problems. This pattern can also occur in friendships, family, and work dynamics.
Codependent relationships have both the giver’ in the relationship who gives and gives to feel needed and worthy and the ‘taker’ who continues to take from the giver. This type of relationship becomes unhealthy and is reinforced over time. These types of relationships can also become toxic.
Key traits of codependency include:
Poor Boundaries: Difficulty setting or maintaining healthy boundaries, often leading to taking on others' responsibilities or problems.
Low Self-Esteem: A lack of self-worth that leads to seeking validation and approval from others.
Caretaking Behavior: A strong desire to fix, help, or rescue others, often at the expense of your own needs.
Emotional Dependency: An over-reliance on the emotional support of others, leading to feelings of anxiety or distress when you are alone.
Fear of Abandonment: An intense fear of rejection or being alone, which drives the need to maintain the relationship at all costs.
Further, codependency can prevent you from developing a healthy sense of self and may lead to ongoing patterns of dysfunctional relationships. Healing from codependency often involves setting healthier boundaries, developing self-awareness.
How Does Someone Become Codependent?
Codependency is often rooted in adverse childhood experiences (ACE). You may have become codependent when you took on an inappropriate emotional responsibility or you were ‘parentification’ (being placed in a parental role at a young age) in order to survive a traumatic upbringing.
When this happened, you learned to neglect and forsake your needs for the sake of your parents.
Unfortunately, this becomes a learned behavior that on the one hand helped you survive your childhood, but set you up to struggle to maintain healthy relationships as an adult. And all too often, your parent is either over or under protective which encourages in unhealthy ways for the child to become codependent.
But having an awareness and understanding of codependence can help you find clarity and peace in your relationships, which can be the path to being less codependent. Don’t forget - change IS possible.
Interested in living a more intentional and purposeful life? Check out my new interactive workbook that has 57 thought-provoking questions to help guide you here!
You May Be In A Codependent Relationship If:
You feel anxious if you don’t hear from your partner.
You are too needy in the relationship.
You experience a constant fear of rejection, abandonment, and criticism.
You always feel the need to ensure they are happy with you.
You don’t know how to take care of yourself without them there to help.
You have a difficult time being without them for extended periods of time. You need to see and hear from them constantly.
Your relationship is the source of your overall happiness, self-worth and self-esteem.
You often try to change your partner because you hold onto an overly idealized view of your partner.
Issues remain ongoing and unaddressed magnified by poor communication and a relationship imbalance
You feel like you cannot live without them. This is not good!
You feel a strong desire to keep yourself connected with the other person.
11 Signs of a Codependent Relationship
1. It’s a dysfunctional relationship: Both of you feel they cannot exist without one another. Being codependent creates a circular relationship where you or your partner needs the other person who needs your partner to be needed.
2. There is an imbalance of power: One person is giving too much energy and time to the relationship with an excessive focus on their partner. This person often will take advantage of this - often unintentionally. This tends to maximize their needs and desires forsaking the other person’s needs and desires.
3. There is unhealthy emotional bonding: Sometimes both people suffer from emotional bonding. You are both so emotionally attached to each other that you can't function without each other even if this attachment isn't healthy or good for either one of them.
4. Cycle of rescuing and victimhood: A pattern where one partner assumes the role of the rescuer, while the other adopts the role of the victim, perpetuating a cycle of dependency and dysfunction.
5. Feeling trapped or obligated: One or both partners may feel trapped in the relationship, experiencing a sense of obligation or duty to stay, even when it's unhealthy or detrimental to their well-being.
6. Enabling unhealthy behaviors: One partner enables the other's destructive habits or dependencies, such as substance abuse, by shielding them from consequences or taking on responsibilities that aren't theirs.
7. Dependence on the relationship for identity: Both partners may rely heavily on the relationship to define their sense of self, leading to a loss of individual identity outside of the partnership.
8. Difficulty setting boundaries: Boundaries are unclear or nonexistent, leading to a lack of autonomy and individuality within the relationship.
9. Low self-esteem: One or both partners may have a diminished sense of self-worth, seeking validation and approval primarily from their partner.
10. Fear of abandonment: There's an intense fear of being alone or losing the relationship, leading to clinginess, jealousy, or controlling behaviors.
11. Poor communication: Open and honest communication is lacking, as one or both partners may avoid conflict or express their needs and emotions indirectly.
11 Tips on How to Become Less Codependent in Your Relationship
This is where the work comes in. Reading and digesting information is just the first step to cultivating greater awareness. However, if you want to change, be prepared to do the work as this will take from being codependent to being independent as you set healthy boundaries, journal your thoughts and feelings, and learn to make independent decisions as you recognize this process often feels like an emotional roller coaster.
Self-reflection: Take time to reflect on your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors within the relationship. Consider how your actions may be influenced by codependent patterns and explore any underlying emotions or insecurities driving these behaviors. Journaling is a great way to start this process. More specifically having an emotion journal will help you in this process.
It’s important to learn how to take care of yourself before you can help others do the same. This means making sure that your basic needs are met and that your feelings are validated by someone else not just in your head but also out loud.
Set boundaries: Establish clear boundaries to define your own needs, desires, and limits within the relationship. Communicate these boundaries assertively and respectfully and be prepared to enforce them consistently.
Setting boundaries for yourself helps you become less of a people pleaser. Saying yes and no to things that you do or don't want to do. If you say no, stick to it! It's important not to become too dependent upon others for happiness or validation. Start small and say ‘no’ to something that is easier (out for dinner)
Develop independence: Cultivate a sense of independence and autonomy by pursuing your own interests, goals, and passions outside of the relationship. Rediscover activities that bring you joy and fulfillment independent of your partner. This can be a hobby, spending time with family or friends, embarking on a new certification - really anything you want it to be.
Focus on self-care: Prioritize self-care activities that nurture your physical, emotional, and mental well-being. This may include exercise, hobbies, meditation, therapy, or spending time with supportive friends and family members. It could also mean changing things about your lifestyle that incorporate better nutrition and exercise.
This means learning how to value yourself and find and honor your own needs. Journaling is a great way to show self-love and write ways you can affirm yourself. Self-care also means exactly what it says - care for yourself - whatever this may look like. This also helps you become less resentful with your partner.
Practice assertive communication: Improve your communication skills by expressing your thoughts, feelings, and needs openly and directly. Avoid passive-aggressive or people-pleasing tendencies, and be willing to advocate for yourself in a respectful manner.
Good communication also includes being assertive (using your voice, not being aggressive) saying how you feel using ‘I’ statements, and acting with consideration and understanding.
This also means sharing with your partner the roots of your codependency and your desire to change. Healthier communication helps you more confident using your voice and making necessary changes.
Challenge negative beliefs: Examine and challenge any negative beliefs or self-limiting beliefs that contribute to feelings of inadequacy or dependency. Replace these beliefs with more empowering and self-affirming perspectives.
Identify patterns in your life. Think about the patterns in your life and how they affect your partner. For example, if you tend to get very anxious before big events or when things are changing quickly, consider how this might affect your partner.
It is also important to identify the triggers that activate your needs to take care of others and please others, forsaking your sense of self.
It also helps to identify patterns in your life that led you to become codependent and to also take the time to discover and look for signs of what it means to be in a healthy relationship. You can do this by not only unraveling your patterns but by looking at incorporating new patterns of relating.
Seek support: Reach out to a therapist, counselor, or support group for guidance and support in addressing codependency issues. Professional assistance can offer valuable insights, coping strategies, and tools for personal growth.
Take the time to read about codependency for greater understanding and the meaning behind being codependent. Becoming aware is the first step and then take the next step to read about codependency to educate yourself and become more knowledgeable.
This will also help you change. Books such as Codependent No More and Boundaries are both filled with information. Beyond reading about codependency, also read about trauma and your attachment style.
Practice self-compassion: Be gentle and compassionate with yourself as you navigate the process of becoming less codependent. Acknowledge that change takes time and effort, and celebrate your progress along the way. To encourage self-compassion, they always say to treat yourself as you would a friend.
Encourage your partner's independence: Support your partner in developing their own interests, goals, and sense of autonomy. Encourage healthy boundaries and mutual respect within the relationship. This also means learning how to create an interdependent relationship - time together, time apart.
This includes each person taking time for their personal interests, feeling safe and vulnerable around one another, not relying on your partner to make you happy, and having a healthy sense of self-esteem. An interdependent relationship - time together, time apart is the healthiest type of relationship and creates a safe and secure relationship.
Evaluate the relationship: Take an honest look at the dynamics of your relationship and assess whether it is healthy, balanced, and fulfilling for you and your partner. Consider seeking couples or individual therapy to help address any underlying issues and improve communication and intimacy.
Remember as you are working through your codependency:
Awareness, is always the first step. Start by taking teeny tiny steps, making a commitment to change - even a small one, and holding yourself accountable to the changes you want to make.
And taking the time to make small changes, over time allows each person to use their voice and share what their needs are in a healthy way, and this is done through positive communication.
Final Thoughts
Becoming less codependent in a relationship involves self-discovery, growth, and empowerment. Recognize patterns, set boundaries, and meet your emotional needs. Build a stronger sense of self, develop outside interests, and communicate openly to create a balanced dynamic with mutual respect and independence.
The aim is not to distance yourself from your partner, but to build a healthier, more satisfying relationship where both can grow. As you make these changes, you will feel more confident and develop stronger, more genuine connections. To reduce codependency, focus on what's best for you and understand how you became codependent.
Understanding this will allow you to ‘unpack’ and change how you view yourself in the context of a relationship. Because identifying how you became codependent and the effects of this in your relationship will help you pivot and create a new path for yourself and your relationship.
In my interactive Codependent eBook, here are a few things that are covered:
how to create less codependency in relationships
completing codependent worksheets and a codependent test to create lasting changes
how toxic and codependent relationships often exist together.
Looking to live more intentionally? Check out my new interactive workbook here!
Embark on a transformative journey with our workbook featuring 57 thought-provoking questions designed to guide you toward a more intentional and purposeful life. Explore your values, clarify your goals, and cultivate greater self-awareness through engaging exercises that empower you to make mindful choices and create a life aligned with your deepest aspirations.
Photo cred: @joshhild
