10 Steps to Overcome Avoidant Attachment Patterns
If you have an Avoidant Attachment style (also referred to as Dismissive-Avoidant) you tend to value independence and self-reliance, at the expense of expressing emotional intimacy and closeness. You prefer to keep others at a distance, sometimes suppressing your feelings or avoiding closeness altogether.
You might also find it difficult to rely on others or share your vulnerabilities, fearing that doing so will lead to rejection or loss of control.
An avoidant attachment style typically develops during childhood in response to specific patterns of caregiving. It arises from your emotional needs for comfort, connection, and security as a child, are consistently unmet or dismissed by your caregivers.
Here are some common factors that can contribute to the development of an avoidant attachment style:
Emotionally Distant or Unresponsive Caregivers: If your caregivers were emotionally unavailable, dismissive, or consistently failed to respond to your emotional needs, you learned to self-soothe and suppress your emotions rather than seeking comfort from others, primarily your caregivers. You may have develop a belief that relying on others is futile.
Encouragement of Independence at a Young Age: In some cases, you may have experienced that your caregivers overemphasized the importance of independence and self-reliance, discouraging emotional vulnerability. As a result, you were taught, either explicitly or implicitly, that expressing your emotions or seeking comfort is a sign of weakness.
Rejection or Punishment for Emotional Expression: You might have been met with criticism, punishment, or rejection when you expressed your emotions and thus learned to hide or suppress your feelings. You may have come to believe that showing vulnerability will result in negative consequences.
Overwhelmed or Preoccupied Caregivers: If your caregivers were too overwhelmed by their own stress or issues to provide consistent emotional support, you learned to downplay your own needs, which resulted in emotional detachment.
Modeling of Avoidant Behavior: You observed your caregivers who themselves avoided emotional closeness and intimacy and thus internalized this as the “norm” in relationships.
Inconsistent Availability: Your caregivers were inconsistent—sometimes responsive and sometimes unavailable—and because of the inconsistency, you began to rely more on yourself and create distance from emotional dependency on others, to avoid the pain of unmet needs.
People with an avoidant attachment style tend to exhibit certain behaviors aimed at maintaining emotional distance and self-sufficiency in relationships. These behaviors often stem from a fear of vulnerability and discomfort with emotional intimacy.
Let’s explore some of these behavior tendencies.
1. Emotional Distance
You often keep your emotions private and may seem emotionally distant or detached, even in close relationships.
You might struggle to express affection, love, or vulnerability, preferring to downplay emotional interactions.
2. Avoidance of Intimacy
You may avoid deep emotional conversations or situations that require you to open up.
You may resist efforts from partners or loved ones to deepen the emotional connection, feeling uncomfortable with too much closeness.
3. Prioritization of Independence
You value your independence and autonomy to the point where they may avoid relying on others or seeking help.
In relationships, you find that you often prefer to take care of your own needs and resist situations where you have to depend on your partner.
4. Difficulty Trusting Others
You may have difficulty trusting others, which leads you to rely heavily on yourself.
You may doubt others' intentions or feel that emotional closeness will result in hurt, rejection, or loss of control.
5. Minimizing Emotional Expression
You may downplay your own emotions or dismiss the emotions of others, often labeling strong feelings as “unnecessary” or “overdramatic.”
This can lead to an avoidance of conflicts, deep conversations, or emotionally charged situations.
6. Discomfort with Dependency
You often feel uncomfortable with any form of dependency in relationships, whether it’s being relied upon or relying on someone else.
You might distance yourself when you perceive that your partner is becoming too dependent or clingy.
7. Tendency to Withdraw
When faced with stress or emotional intensity in a relationship, you may physically or emotionally withdraw. This might include needing "space" after a disagreement or pulling back when your partner expresses a need for closeness.
You may shut down or become unresponsive during arguments or emotional discussions.
8. Avoiding Commitment
You may hesitate to commit fully to relationships, as you fear that commitment might trap them in emotional dependency or obligations. Or if you do commit, you may remain distant and ‘non-committal’ in other ways.
You might delay or avoid taking steps like moving in together, marriage, or starting a family.
9. Focusing on Tasks or Achievements
You focus on tasks, achievements, or work as a way to avoid dealing with emotional matters.
You might throw yourself into your career or hobbies as a means of staying emotionally distant.
10. Idealizing Independence in Relationships
You may idealize the concept of "no strings attached" or casual relationships where emotional involvement is minimal.
You might view emotional closeness as restrictive and see your partner's emotional needs as burdensome.
11. Devaluing Relationships
You sometimes devalue relationships or minimize their importance in your life, focusing instead on your personal goals or achievements.
You might downplay your emotional needs or convince yourself that you don't need close relationships to be happy.
The Avoidant Attachment Style and its Effects on Relationships
An avoidant attachment style can significantly impact relationships, often creating challenges related to emotional intimacy, communication, and trust. These effects can influence both you as the avoidant individual and your partner, making it difficult to form deep, secure connections.
1. Emotional Distance and Disconnection
For the avoidant person: You may struggle to share your emotions, leading to a lack of emotional intimacy in the relationship. You may keep your partner at arm's length to avoid vulnerability, which can make your partner feel shut out or unimportant.
For your partner: Your partner often feels emotionally neglected, unloved, or unsupported. The emotional distance can cause frustration and feelings of rejection.
2. Difficulty Communicating Needs
For the avoidant person: You may find it hard to express your needs or emotions openly. Instead, you might rely on subtle cues or expect your partner to understand without direct communication.
For your partner: This lack of clear communication can lead to misunderstandings, unmet needs, and feelings of confusion about where they stand in the relationship.
3. Fear of Dependence or Commitment
For the avoidant person: You often have a deep discomfort with emotional dependency or commitment. You may resist long-term commitments, avoid deepening the relationship, or pull away when you sense your partner is getting too emotionally attached.
For your partner: This can create instability and uncertainty. Your partner may feel as though they are always "chasing" emotional connection or commitment, which can be exhausting and hurtful over time.
4. Avoidance of Conflict
For the avoidant person: You may avoid addressing conflicts or difficult emotions, choosing to withdraw rather than engage in discussions that could lead to emotional intensity. This may result in unresolved issues that build up over time.
For your partner: Your partner might feel that important issues are being ignored or minimized, leading to frustration and resentment. Avoiding conflict can prevent the relationship from growing and resolving problems in a healthy way.
5. Frustration and Misunderstanding in Intimacy
For the avoidant person: You often have difficulty with physical and emotional intimacy, viewing closeness as suffocating or intrusive. As a result, you may keep your partner at a distance, avoiding deep connections.
For your partner: Your partner might feel rejected or undesired, especially if they value emotional closeness and physical affection. This can lead to feelings of inadequacy or loneliness in the relationship.
6. Emotional Burnout for the Partner
For the avoidant person: You may not realize the toll your emotional distance takes on your partner, assuming that maintaining personal boundaries is healthy or necessary.
For your partner: Over time, your partner may feel emotionally drained from trying to bridge the emotional gap. Constantly seeking validation or reassurance can lead to emotional exhaustion, especially if their efforts are not reciprocated.
7. Cycle of Pursuit and Withdrawal
For the avoidant person: You may engage in a pattern of withdrawal whenever your partner seeks emotional closeness. The more your partner seeks intimacy, the more you may feel the need to pull back.
For your partner: This dynamic can create a painful "push-pull" cycle, where your partner feels they are always pursuing you for more connection, while you continuously retreat. This can lead to instability in the relationship.
8. Lack of Vulnerability
For the avoidant person: Because vulnerability can feel threatening to you, you may struggle to open up or show your true self. This may lead to shallow relationships where deeper emotional connections are avoided.
For your partner: Your partner may feel that they don’t truly know you, which can prevent the relationship from progressing. The absence of vulnerability limits emotional bonding and trust-building.
9. Stunted Relationship Growth
For the avoidant person: Your reluctance to engage in emotionally challenging situations or commit to deep connections can prevent the relationship from evolving. You may avoid conversations about the future or long-term plans.
For your partner: This can create frustration, especially if your partner desires growth and progression in the relationship. Your fear of vulnerability and emotional closeness may prevent the relationship from moving forward.
10. Inconsistent Emotional Availability
For the avoidant person: You may alternate between periods of closeness and distance, creating inconsistency in your emotional availability. This fluctuation can make it difficult for your partner to rely on you emotionally.
For your partner: The unpredictability can be confusing and lead to feelings of instability. Your partner may not know when you will be emotionally available, which can erode trust over time.
11. Inability to Build Trust
For the avoidant person: Trusting others can be challenging for you because of your fear of being vulnerable or getting hurt. As a result, you may keep your partner at a distance to avoid emotional risks.
For your partner: The lack of emotional openness and trust can create feelings of insecurity. Without a foundation of trust, the relationship may feel shallow or uncertain.
How to Overcome Your Avoidant Attachment Style
Reading about your attachment style is just the beginning of the process. Taking the steps to overcome your avoidant attachment style is a process of increasing emotional awareness, developing trust in relationships, and learning to embrace vulnerability.
It also involves unlearning old patterns that prioritize self-sufficiency and distance, while slowly building healthier, more connected ways of relating to others.
As I always say, you have to do the work if you want to make changes in life. It takes time, commitment, intention, attention, compassion, grace, patience, and a willingness to live a more intentional life.
1. Increase Self-Awareness
Understand your attachment style: The first step in making changes in your life is always about becoming more aware. Learn to recognize your behavior patterns and understanding how they developed. Reflect on how your early relationships with caregivers may have contributed to your avoidant tendencies.
Identify avoidance triggers: Pay attention to situations or emotions that trigger your tendency to pull away or distance yourself in relationships. This could be emotional intimacy, conflict, or fear of dependence. Write these down and come up with a plan to address your triggers.
Journal your emotions: Writing down your thoughts and feelings can help you explore emotions that you tend to suppress or avoid. It encourages self-reflection and emotional awareness. Start your own emotion journal.
2. Challenge Negative Beliefs About Relationships
Question your fear of vulnerability: Understand that vulnerability is not a weakness but a key component of emotional intimacy and connection. Challenging the belief that opening up will lead to rejection or loss of independence is essential. This will be a difficult step, but one worth taking.
Challenge the need for independence: While independence is important, consider whether your fear of dependence might be limiting your ability to form meaningful connections. Recognize that healthy relationships involve mutual support and interdependence.
3. Practice Emotional Expression
Start small: Begin by expressing your feelings in low-stakes situations. You don't have to dive into deep emotions right away. Share small vulnerabilities, such as how your day went or what made you happy or upset.
Acknowledge your feelings: When you notice yourself shutting down or pulling away, pause to acknowledge the emotions you're experiencing. Naming your emotions (e.g., "I am feeling anxious" or "I am feeling overwhelmed") can reduce their power and help you stay connected in the moment.
Use “I” statements: Practice communicating your feelings using “I” statements, such as "I feel overwhelmed when we talk about the future" or "I need some time to process my emotions." This helps your partner understand your perspective without feeling blamed or rejected. Check out my eBook on communication here to get you started.
4. Gradually Increase Emotional Intimacy
Take gradual steps toward closeness: Slowly increase the amount of emotional and physical intimacy in your relationships. Start by allowing yourself to spend more time with your partner or engage in conversations that deepen emotional bonds. Take your time and recognize when you need to take a break or feel emotionally overwhelmed.
Be patient with yourself: Overcoming avoidant tendencies takes time. You don't need to rush into deep emotional intimacy all at once. Allow yourself to take small steps at your own pace, and recognize that growth is gradual.
5. Develop Trust in Relationships
Build trust with safe people: Focus on developing trust with people who are emotionally supportive, understanding, and patient. Over time, consistent positive experiences can help you become more comfortable with emotional closeness.
Test trust in small ways: Start by sharing small, less vulnerable parts of yourself with your partner or loved ones. As they respond with care and support, you can begin to trust that it’s safe to open up more.
Acknowledge positive feedback: When you express vulnerability and are met with support rather than rejection, take time to acknowledge it. Reinforce the idea that intimacy can be rewarding and not always threatening.
6. Work on Managing Conflict
Don’t avoid confrontation: Learn how to work on engaging in constructive conversations when issues arise. Addressing conflicts rather than retreating helps to build trust and improve communication in the relationship.
Stay present during arguments: Rather than withdrawing during disagreements, practice staying emotionally present. Take a 5 minute time out, pump the brakes, or take time from a conversation that feels emotionally charged for you. And then when you are more emotionally stable, return to the conversation.
Remind yourself that not all conflict leads to rejection or loss of control. Disagreements can be resolved through communication. And sometimes, conversations are more than a ‘one and done’ and need to be talked about in terms of having exploratory conversations.
7. Reframe Your View of Relationships
See relationships as growth opportunities: Relationships are a chance to learn and grow emotionally. Shifting your perspective to view intimacy and vulnerability as ways to enhance personal development can reduce fear and resistance. It’s all about long-term personal growth both individually and collectively as a couple.
Recognize the benefits of closeness: Remind yourself that closeness and intimacy in relationships offer emotional support, companionship, and growth. These benefits often outweigh the fear of losing independence.
8. Learn to Depend on Others in Healthy Ways
Practice mutual support: Relationships don’t have to mean losing autonomy. Practice giving and receiving support in small, healthy ways. This could be asking for advice, sharing feelings, or relying on someone for emotional comfort. Start small until you become more comfortable.
Celebrate interdependence: Understand that healthy relationships are about interdependence—both partners supporting each other while maintaining their own individuality. Time together, time apart. Embrace the idea that you can rely on others and mostly your partner without losing your sense of self.
9. Seek Therapy or Counseling
Explore past wounds: Therapy can help you explore the childhood experiences that contributed to your avoidant attachment style. Working through these early attachments can heal emotional wounds and help you form healthier patterns in adult relationships.
Practice emotional regulation: A therapist can help you develop tools to regulate your emotions when you feel overwhelmed or uncomfortable with intimacy. Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) and attachment-focused therapy can be especially helpful for avoidant attachment.
Work on building secure attachment: A therapist can also guide you through the process of developing a more secure attachment style, helping you create deeper, more fulfilling relationships.
10. Give Yourself Grace
Acknowledge your progress: Overcoming avoidant attachment is a process that takes time. Celebrate your small victories, whether it's opening up emotionally or staying present during a difficult conversation. Make a list and keep adding all of your small wins. They add up over time and become the bigger wins.
Practice self-compassion: Be kind to yourself during this process. Avoidant tendencies were likely developed as a form of self-protection, and changing them can feel uncomfortable. Give yourself credit for every step toward greater emotional connection.
Final Thoughts
No doubt, reading this can feel overwhelming. But change is never easy so if you want to lead a more intentional life and change your avoidant attachment style (which can be done!), you need intention, attention, drive, and persistence so you can become more resilient.
Overcoming an avoidant attachment style is a transformative journey that requires patience, self-awareness, and a willingness to embrace vulnerability. It takes time so be kind and compassionate towards yourself.
By challenging old beliefs about independence and emotional intimacy, and slowly opening yourself up to trust and connection, you can build healthier, more fulfilling relationships.
While the process may feel uncomfortable at times, each step forward brings the possibility of deeper emotional bonds and a more secure attachment. Ultimately, this journey allows you to experience the joy of true closeness, where mutual support, love, and trust can thrive.
Embarking on this journey will also help you grow as a person, experience personal growth, and live a more intentional and purposeful life in a healthy relationship.
