10 Conversations To Have Before Marriage
You’ve finally found the one. You’ve committed to spending your life together, and you couldn’t be happier. That’s an amazing feeling! But, before embarking on the journey of marriage, it's crucial for both of you to engage in meaningful and open conversations about various aspects of your lives together. These discussions serve as the cornerstone of a strong and lasting partnership, laying the groundwork for understanding, alignment, and mutual respect.
By addressing important conversations before saying "I do,” you can establish shared goals, clarify expectations, and navigate potential challenges with honesty and transparency. From financial planning to family dynamics, these conversations help pave the way for a harmonious and fulfilling union built on trust, communication, and mutual support.
Here are 10 important conversations to have prior to marriage to create a healthy path for your future together.
10 Important Conversations
1. Your Expectations for Marriage
What do you expect from each other? What do you expect from the marriage? Are your expectations lofty or reasonable? These are important premarital questions for couples to answer.
Do you and your partner have different expectations for the marriage? This is an important conversation and sometimes expectations change over time. The most important thing to do is to have open ended conversations around marriage expectations and if they are healthy or unhealthy.
This includes everything from how you’ll handle conflict, dividing up household chores (a huge topic for arguments if not discussed) to how often you’ll have sex.
It’s important to be realistic about what you expect from your marriage. Don’t expect your partner to change overnight or for the marriage to be perfect all the time. Marriage takes effort, intention, and showing up. It also means each person bringing their 100% to the marriage, not 50%.
Having good communication skills will allow both of you to discuss important matters throughout your marriage.
2. Children
When considering the possibility of children, it's important to think about what you want for your future family.
5 questions to answer about children would include:
Do you want to have kids?
How many?
What kind of parenting style do you want to use?
Are you comfortable with changing diapers, dealing with sicknesses, and putting in late nights?
Discuss any concerns or fears you may have about parenthood and how you envision sharing childcare responsibilities.
Will you both work?
Will one person stay at home?
These questions are important to ask and answer before marriage. Much of how we want to parent comes from our upbringing. Some people want to emulate how they were raised while others want to do the complete opposite. Some fall in the middle.
Regardless, this is a very important conversation to have.
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3. Finances
Finances are one of the most important topics that you will want to have. However, a deeper conversation needs to include each person’s relationship with money. This is because our experiences with money influence how we spend or save and how we view paying bills to spending disposable income.
For example, a few questions to ask yourself and your partner:
Did you/they grow up with money - or not?
How did my/their parents or family view money?
Are you/them a spender or saver? How do you/them feel about your/their finances?
What does money mean to you/them?
Discuss your individual financial situations, including debts, savings, and spending habits. Talk about your financial goals as a couple, such as saving for a house, retirement, or children's education. Determine how you will handle finances together, including budgeting, bill payments, emergencies, and how you manage your money. Together? Separate?
How will you manage debt? Should you pay off your credit cards every month or carry a balance? How much debt do you feel comfortable with?
This is just the start of many future financial conversations that both of you will need to have.
4. Extended Family
The influence of extended family on newly married couples can be significant, shaping various aspects of your relationship dynamics, communication patterns, and even lifestyle choices. While family support can be invaluable in navigating the challenges of marriage, it can also introduce complexities and potential sources of tension.
Understanding the effects of extended family involvement is crucial for newlyweds to establish boundaries, foster independence, and nurture their own partnership.ne of the most important topics that you'll discuss in premarital counseling is your extended family and how they'll be involved in your life.
Questions to consider:
How often do you want your parents to visit?
What about your partner's family?
Will they be a part of your life?
How often do you want to see them?
What about holidays and other special occasions?
How will you manage disagreements with each of your families?
How will you both create a strong team to set healthy boundaries if one of the families is overly intrusive?
While family support can enhance the marital bond and enrich the couple's lives, it's important for newlyweds to establish clear boundaries, communicate openly, and prioritize your relationship while navigating the complexities of extended family relationships.
5. Intimacy
Intimacy is one of the most important topics that needs to be discussed. Learn how to talk about your expectations regarding intimacy, including physical affection, sexual frequency, and emotional intimacy. Discuss any concerns or preferences you have and how you can ensure that of you feel satisfied and fulfilled in the relationship.
There are a few things that you need to keep in mind when it comes to intimacy. First and foremost, you need to be comfortable with your partner. If you're not comfortable with them seeing you naked or vice versa, this will add another challenge. However, there are reasons for this that through deeper conversations, can bring you closer. Some people are not confident with their body or might have experienced body shaming in their past which influences how they view their body.
You also need to be honest with each other about your needs. If one of you wants sex twice a week and the other person only wants it once a month, a pre-martial counseling session is a fantastic time to discuss what each of your needs are.
People’s sexual intimacy changes over time but that doesn’t mean it’s a change for the worse. It just means that people go through different stages and sometimes this affects their sexual intimacy.
It's important to be open and honest about your needs so that you can come to a compromise and find a resolution so that each person lands in a good place.
6. Career and Life Goals
It is important to share your career aspirations and long-term goals. Discuss how your careers may impact your relationship, such as potential relocations or work-life balance. Consider how you can support each other in achieving your individual and shared goals.
This may involve identifying personal aspirations, professional ambitions, and desired lifestyle choices. It also helps couples establish shared career and life goals that reflect their combined vision for the future. This may involve setting milestones, creating action plans, and supporting each other in achieving their shared aspirations.
Having this conversation also can include strategies for maintaining a healthy work-life balance, prioritizing the relationship amidst career demands, and nurturing their connection despite busy schedules.
7. Conflict Resolution
Conflict resolution is another important conversation that needs to be discussed. Conflict is a normal part of any relationship, and it is inevitable that you will experience disagreements with your partner. However, it is important to learn how to resolve conflicts in a healthy and constructive way.
In order to resolve conflicts effectively, you and your partner need to understand the root cause of the conflict. You also need to be able to communicate effectively with each other. You should be able to express your feelings and needs calmly and clearly, and you should be willing to listen to your partner's point of view.
Discuss your communication styles and how you handle conflicts. Explore strategies for effective communication and resolving disagreements in a healthy and respectful manner. Establishing open and honest communication early on can strengthen your relationship and help prevent misunderstandings.
Much of how we communicate and engage in conversations especially around challenging topics is affected by our attachment style.
It is also important to be willing to compromise. You should never sacrifice your own values or beliefs, but you should be willing to meet your partner halfway. If you are both able to compromise, you will be able to resolve conflicts in a way that is fair and equitable for both of you.
8. Personal Growth Goals
You and your partner will discuss a variety of topics, including personal growth goals. This is an important topic because it can help you identify any areas in which you may need to work on your relationship.
When it comes to personal growth goals, you should be clear and honest with your partner. You should be willing to share your dreams and aspirations, as well as your fears and doubts. It is also important to be open and communicative about your feelings. If you are feeling unhappy or unsatisfied with your life, you should tell your partner.
Creating a safe space that allows each of you to lean in with vulnerability and share what’s on your mind so that both of you can grow both individually and collectively as a couple.
It is also important to be supportive of each other's personal growth goals. You should encourage each other to pursue your dreams, and you should be there to offer support and encouragement. If you are both committed to personal growth, you will be able to create a stronger and more fulfilling relationship.
9. Household Responsibilities
This is often a hot topic and unfortunately not discussed as much or as often as it should be. It is important to discuss how you will divide household chores and responsibilities, such as cooking, cleaning, and maintenance.
Consider each other's strengths, preferences, and schedules to create a fair and equitable division of labor that works for both of you. There is an easy fix and resolution to this without one person claiming ‘weaponized incompetence’ which can erode the relationship and create greater resentment if not addressed.
Discuss how you will work together as a team to meet these responsibilities and ensure that both partners feel supported and valued.
10. Lifestyle and Leisure Activities:
It is important to talk about your hobbies, interests, and leisure activities. Discuss how you will spend your free time together and individually, as well as any shared goals or experiences you want to pursue as a couple. Finding common interests and activities can strengthen your bond and create opportunities for quality time together.
But it is also important to have interests outside of the relationship. This will help create an interdependent relationship - time together, time apart - the healthiest type of relationship. This also wards against becoming too codependent. It also encourages greater personal growth and independence. It also helps each person remain curious about their partner.
Final Thoughts
Although it is important to discuss these topics prior to marriage, it is equally important to have these conversations even when in a long term relationship. By talking about these issues openly and honestly, you and your partner can begin to build a foundation for a strong and lasting marriage.
If you are both committed to working on your relationship, you will be able to resolve conflicts effectively and grow together as individuals.
When couples create a safe space and have healthy communication skills, many of these topics can be discussed. Honest and open communication is key to maintaining and sustaining a healthy marriage.
Where there is love, there is hope!
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