10 Ways to Stop Being So Emotionally Needy in Relationships
How to Stop Being Needy in Relationships
Although it’s natural to need other people, when we start to become too needy in relationships, it affects the relationship. Your partner may begin to distance themselves or push you away because of your constant need for reassurance. It become exhausting for the other person.
If the problem isn’t addressed and talked about, resentment can grow. This blog explores 10 ways to stop being so emotionally Needy in Relationships
There are many ways to identify if you exhibit unhealthy emotional neediness within a relationship, you can read more about them in my article Are You Emotionally Needy?
10 Ways to be Less Needy in Your Relationship
1. Become aware
Awareness is always the very first step to recognizing there is a problem. This is key in any life challenge. As you become more aware of your behaviors, you start the process of gaining greater insight into who you are as a person and understanding yourself better so you can make necessary and sustainable changes.
Take the time to ask and answer these important questions above. Awareness of your attachment style is step one in becoming less needy. Understanding awareness creates the chance for change - so you can begin to create a happy and fulfilling relationship.
2. Create some space
No matter how close you are to another person, it is unhealthy to spend all of your time with him or her. They will feel overwhelmed and start to do things that back them out of the relationship. If it's difficult for you to tolerate alone time, you will inevitably sabotage your relationship.
Start a hobby. Spend time with other people outside of your relationship. Volunteer. Journal your feelings.
Get outside and spend time in nature. Learn to create the space in small doses. Talk to your partner about this and take time away from him or her in small increments until you become more comfortable.
Arrange a visit or outing with someone other than your partner or typical close circle - perhaps a parent, old friend, family member, mentor, or someone you may want to get to know better. Invest your energy rather than exhaust it by worrying or being needy.
3. Learn to sit with your anxiety
A person who is more anxious engages in more protest behaviors - which are actions that attempt to reestablish contact with your partner and get their attention.
Unfortunately, when you do this, you act in harmful ways. Being able to move through life’s shades of gray of life and uncertainty, is key to making sustainable changes.
Fortunately, uncertainty can also be an instigator of change. Even if at the moment it 'feels like a good idea', work on thinking about how you would feel if you didn't act in a certain way. What are your triggers? Can you learn to communicate those triggers in a way that is beneficial for both you and your partner?
If you give into the anxiety and impulse every time, you will never know how it could be different. If the impulse (obsessive thought) is there and you act on it (the compulsion), all you are really doing is creating the same circle and reinforcing the behavior. Sit with that anxiety and feeling of uncertainty and focus on reacting less.
If you would like to discuss ways you can be less needy and create space in your life, I provide a free 15-minute consultation to see how we can work together. Just hit the button below and book a session!
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4. Work on YOU!
Start to take the steps to improve your self-esteem. Ask yourself - what are some positive things I like about myself? Make a list. Return to it and update it often.
What different roles do I have in my life beside being a partner? Sister, aunt, friend, co-worker. You get the picture. Can you say positive things about yourself in those roles?
And then begin by doing things on your own and focusing on yourself. What are you doing that is contributing to the demise of the relationship? What negative feelings come up for you about yourself? Engage in activities that are healthy for you and learn to feel more secure and confident.
Again, this could be giving back, volunteering, taking up a hobby, or journaling, among others. It is also important to think about your strengths and positives about yourself, as we all have them. Don't short-change yourself.
Remember - a person can boost up your esteem and make you feel good once in a while, but this is not their job. It is our responsibility to do that for ourselves.
Instead of thinking that you need to get everything from them (impossible) and then feel sorry for yourself that they aren’t giving it (victim role), consider how you could be helping them rebuild their energy. Even if this means giving them space. This will also help you.
5. Work on your trust issues
Neediness is often associated with not trusting others and often a fear of abandonment. If you start doubting someone's feelings for you or fear being abandoned, you will start to put the 'neediness' wheels in motion. Eventually, this will actually provoke the person to want to run from the relationship.
Do you feel abandonment? Are you afraid your partner will not be there for you? Are you looking for others to make you feel good about yourself - always looking outside 'self' for reassurance? Where did these feelings come from? Was it in a previous relationship?
Again, learning to connect the dots helps you to understand the stimuli of a situation (activating event) and your response.
6. Start making small changes
The good news is, in life, there is always the opportunity to change. And you can change your attachment style and move from being anxious or avoidant to secure. It is important to ask yourself, what changes do I need to make to become more secure and less needy?
Understanding the types of partners you pick (anxious people often choose avoidant and vice versa) is also key. Looking back over your relationship history to determine the types of partners you pick (and why) will also encourage positive change.
7. Improve your communication
As you work through these steps and build up your self-esteem, you also need to be working with your partner on ensuring the communication within your relationship is improving too.
For example, your partner may have tried to express they needed some space or that you were getting overbearing with needing constant reassurance and company. But this may have sounded hurtful, like an attack, or like they wanted to leave you.
However, your partner was trying to practice healthy communication by trying to take necessary space and by trying to let you know that you were pushing them away. And because they don’t want you to push them away, so it’s important to listen and hear what they are sharing with you without taking it personally.
You can do the same thing. Learning how to express your thoughts and feelings in healthy ways will improve your relationship communication.
Find a time that’s good for both of you.
Think of one thing you want to share. Use ‘I’ statements
Have a specific period of time to discuss it.
Have a plan if you start to get too emotional (take a time out and come back to the conversation).
8. Take responsibility
Take responsibility for the choices you have made and learning how to embrace both negative and positive feelings that come with this when you put yourself in the drivers seat of your life.
Recognizing how you became emotionally needy and what you want to do to become a healthier person. This will allow you to become more reliant both on yourself and for your partner.
9. Understand your triggers
We all have triggers but one way to start to become less emotionally needy is to understand what our triggers are so that we can overcome them. It could be something from your upbringing or something that happened in the past. However, it’s important to recognize and name them and then come up a way to talk about them so they are no longer triggers.
10. Seek professional help
Sometimes this can be very hard to do on your own, but it doesn’t mean you need to lean on your partner or friends all the time. They get exhausted by life too and while you can absolutely talk to them and should be able to rely on them, they are not therapists and should not be treated as such.
If you find this process to be difficult, do not be afraid to seek professional help in working through your neediness and developing lasting self-esteem.
Work through your neediness before it’s too late and you end up pushing away your partner or anyone that you have been leaning on to fix you and fulfill you.
There is a light at the end of the tunnel - you can get through this. You just have to take the steps. Start by making one teeny tiny change. Don’t look at the list as a whole, but start small. Create an action plan. Discuss it with your partner so they can see your efforts and extend grace and patience as you work towards a healthy mindset and healthier relationship.
If you want to see how working together can help you become less emotionally needy, click the button below for a FREE 15-Minute consultation!
Looking to live more intentionally? Check out my new interactive workbook here!
Embark on a transformative journey with our workbook featuring 40 thought-provoking questions designed to guide you toward a more intentional and purposeful life. Explore your values, clarify your goals, and cultivate greater self-awareness through engaging exercises that empower you to make mindful choices and create a life aligned with your deepest aspirations.
Photo by: Demeter Attila
