How to Thrive After Growing Up With an Emotionally Immature Parent
Being raised by an emotionally immature parent often leaves deep and lasting scars, affecting your ability to form healthy relationships, manage your emotions, and develop a strong sense of self. Their unpredictable and often inconsistent behavior creates a confusing and unstable environment during your formative years that often continue well into your adulthood.
Although thriving despite being raised by an emotionally immature parent presents unique challenges, by gaining a deeper understanding the dynamics of your upbringing, embracing self-compassion, and seeking supportive resources, you can break free from the past and build a more resilient and fulfilling life. A life in which you thrive. A life that is yours.
In my previous blog, The Emotionally Immature Parent, I discussed some of the negative results of being raised in this environment such as low self-esteem, difficulty setting boundaries and forming and maintaining healthy relationships, a deep seated sense of insecurity and mistrust of others, and becoming codependent and a people pleaser.
In this blog, I take a deeper dive into many of the challenges that you face from being raised by an emotionally immature parent, how it affects you in adulthood, and the necessary and healthy steps you can start to take today, to recover, heal, grow, and thrive.
3 Common Struggles and How To Recover, Heal, and Thrive
Although there are many struggles that being raised by an emotionally immature parent, this blog highlights three areas and suggests actionable steps you can take to overcome them.
Difficulty setting boundaries
Low self-esteem and self-worth
Emotional regulations challenges and difficulty expressing emotions
1.) Difficulty setting boundaries
Because your parent often struggled with their own emotional regulation, they were unable or unwilling to respect the emotional and psychological needs and boundaries of you as a child. This prevented you from learning how to set boundaries on your own as a adult.
No doubt, you grew up where your boundaries were constantly violated, dismissed, or ignored. Or the lines were blurred.
You might have experienced ‘parentification’ where you were put in a parental role to take care of them rather than your parent taking care of you. As a result, you learned to be hyper focused on them as your needs were consistently dismissed. You did this for fear of being abandoned.
This led to confusion about your own needs and a fear of asserting yourself, as doing so might have been met with resistance, guilt-tripping, or emotional manipulation.
Example: if you are in a relationship and your partner says something to you that is unkind or inconsiderate, your first thought isn’t to think this isn’t a nice thing to say but rather I don’t want to say something that might upset me for fear they will leave me.
Setting a boundary by saying ‘no’ to something, feels foreign and uncomfortable. And because you may not know how to ‘sit’ with the uncomfortable feelings, you don’t enforce this boundary because you feel guilty or bad for doing something for yourself.
Again, due to your upbringing - completely normal.
Overcoming this difficulty requires learning to recognize and honor your own limits, understanding that it’s okay to say no, and building the confidence to enforce boundaries even when it feels uncomfortable. It's a journey of reclaiming your autonomy and learning to protect your emotional well-being.
Steps to overcome:
Recognize Your Needs: Start by identifying your own emotional and psychological needs and limits. Reflect on situations where you feel uncomfortable, overwhelmed, or disrespected. These are often indicators of where boundaries are needed. Write these down. What are the thoughts or feelings that come up for you? Mindfulness can help you accept how you feel in the moment, without passing judgement on yourself. Learning to be still and sit with feeling uncomfortable means that this is an area of your life that needs attention.
You are starting to put yourself first. This will not always feel good because you are used to doing this. That’s ok. Change comes from moving through these feelings to get to a better and healthier place in your life.
Write down what you are feeling and things you can do to help you through these moment such as: journaling, going for a walk, changing your physical space, reaching out to a friend. Find a healthy distraction as you become stronger.
Educate Yourself About Boundaries: Learning about what healthy boundaries look like can be empowering. Read books, attend workshops, or seek therapy to understand how boundaries function in healthy relationships. We all need boundaries. They are necessary in life. When you are not raised with healthy boundaries, you will not know how to do this or what it looks like. This where reading about them is key in making changes.
Practice Self-Compassion: Understand that struggling with boundaries is a common outcome of being raised by an emotionally immature parent. Be kind to yourself as you learn and grow in this area. Treat yourself as you would a friend. Ask: what would you say to your friend? Say the same thing to yourself.
Start Small: Begin by setting small, manageable boundaries in less intimidating situations. This might involve saying no to a minor request or expressing your feelings about a specific issue. This could be as small as saying ‘no’ to staying up late, or seeing a specific movie, or ordering dinner.
Gradually, work your way up to more significant boundaries. Small wins eventually become bigger and more significant over time.
Assert Yourself Clearly and Calmly: When setting a boundary, be clear and concise. You don’t need to over-explain or justify your needs. Practice using “I” statements, such as “I feel overwhelmed when…” or “I need some space because…” Over time, learning to use your voice, will empower you to stay on this path.
Anticipate Resistance: Setting boundaries with your emotionally immature parent will most likely react negatively when you start setting boundaries, as it challenges the established dynamics. They want you to ‘stay in your lane’ and continue to ‘assume the role’ they put you in.
Setting boundaries puts your fragility and limitations to the test. Prepare yourself for this and stay firm in your resolve, knowing that their reactions are not a reflection of your worth. And prepare for push-back and don’t be surprised if they ‘egg’ you on in their attempt to assert their perceived control.
To them, you are a threat. Recognize and continue to hold true. Don’t back pedal and relinquish a boundary that is important to you.
Celebrate Your Progress: Acknowledge the steps you’re taking, no matter how small. Every time you assert a boundary, you’re taking a crucial step towards healing and establishing healthier relationships. Keep a list and continue to add to it.
2.) Low self esteem and self-worth
Being raised by an emotionally immature parent significantly impacts your self-esteem and self-worth. This is because your parents lacked the ability to provide consistent emotional support, validation, and recognition of your needs as a child.
It’s important to understand that the issues with self-esteem and self-worth are often reflections of your upbringing, not an accurate measure of who you are.
As a result growing up, you felt unseen, unheard, or even blamed for your parent’s emotional struggles. This environment led to internalized feelings of inadequacy, as you learned to suppress your own emotions to avoid conflict or to gain fleeting approval. You might have felt invisible. You probably still struggle with low self-esteem and feel invisible.
Low self-esteem and self-worth manifests in various ways, such as constantly seeking validation from others (known as external validation), struggling with self-doubt, or feeling unworthy of love and respect.
Overcoming these deeply ingrained beliefs requires a conscious effort to reframe your self-perception and to recognize that your worth is not dependent on the approval or emotional stability of others even if it feels that way.
Healing involves challenging these negative beliefs, surrounding yourself with supportive and affirming relationships, and gradually learning to see yourself through a lens of self-compassion and acceptance.
Steps to overcome:
1. Acknowledge the impact of your upbringing
Understand that your low self-esteem and self-worth are often rooted in your early experiences. Recognizing this can help you separate your identity from the negative messages you received as a child.
2. Challenge negative self-talk
Pay attention to the critical inner voice that tells you you’re not good enough. Challenge these thoughts by asking yourself if they’re truly reflective of reality or if they stem from past conditioning. Ask yourself - is there evidence for this? If so, what is it? What I am experiencing, is it a fact or a feeling?
Replace them with positive affirmations and self-compassionate statements such as:
“It's okay to feel this way. Everyone struggles sometimes, and I am allowed to have difficult emotions. I will be gentle with myself as I navigate this.”
“I am doing my best, and that is enough. I deserve love and acceptance, even when I make mistakes or feel like I'm falling short.”
“I forgive myself for not being perfect. I am a work in progress, and I am worthy of patience and understanding.”
3. Surround yourself with positive influences
Build a support network of friends, mentors, or communities that uplift and validate you. Positive relationships can reinforce your worth and help counterbalance the negative experiences from your past. Think about people at work and in your personal life that can be supportive. Don’t be afraid to reach out to someone who might not be in your close inner circle, but can still be a positive influence in your life.
4. Practice self-compassion
Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer a friend. Recognize that everyone has flaws and that you’re deserving of love and respect, regardless of your perceived shortcomings.
5. Set Small, achievable goals
Accomplishing small goals can boost your confidence and help you see your capabilities in a new light. Think about something small you can start to do to improve your self-esteem and start there. Celebrate these achievements, no matter how minor they may seem.
Another way to look at this is through cultivating a lifestyle that incorporates habits and systems that reinforce the life you want for yourself and one you envision. Read more about this is Atomic Habits.
6. Focus on your strengths and accomplishments
Make a list of your strengths, talents, and past successes. Reflecting on these can remind you of your value and abilities, helping to counteract feelings of inadequacy. Continue to add to these each day. You might be surprised how many successes or strengths you have because you have been too focused on the negative feelings you have about yourself that can and often do cloud your judgment and inner voice.
7. Engage in activities that make you feel good
Pursue hobbies, interests, or activities that bring you joy and a sense of accomplishment. Doing things that make you feel competent and fulfilled can gradually rebuild your self-worth. Ask: what am I interested in? Not sure? Start to explore ideas and different platforms on the internet that you might be interested in as a start. Try a couple new things just to get you going.
8. Learn to say no
Practice setting boundaries, even if it feels uncomfortable at first. Learning to say no when necessary is an important step in valuing your own needs and worth.
9. Be patient with yourself
Healing from low self-esteem and self-worth takes time. Be patient with yourself as you work through these challenges, and recognize that setbacks are a natural part of the process.
3.) Emotional regulation challenges and difficulty expressing emotions
Overcoming emotional regulation challenges after being raised by an emotionally immature parent requires learning new skills to manage your emotions effectively, especially since you may not have had a healthy model for doing so during your upbringing.
Steps to overcome:
1. Acknowledge your emotional triggers
Reflect on situations that trigger intense emotional reactions, such as feeling abandoned, criticized, or invalidated. Understanding your triggers can help you anticipate and prepare for challenging emotions when they arise. Write down your triggers. What are the feelings that come up?
2. Name your emotions
Instead of suppressing or avoiding your feelings, practice naming them (e.g., "I feel anxious," "I feel angry"). This simple act can help you create a sense of distance from the emotion, making it easier to manage. Recognizing that emotions are temporary and don’t define you can be incredibly freeing.
3. Practice mindfulness
Mindfulness involves staying present and aware of your emotions without judgment. It can help you notice your feelings as they arise and prevent you from becoming overwhelmed by them. Regular mindfulness meditation, deep breathing exercises, or grounding techniques can help calm your nervous system and increase emotional awareness.
4. Develop healthy coping strategies
Create a toolkit of healthy coping mechanisms, such as journaling, exercising, practicing yoga, or talking to a trusted friend or therapist. Having a range of coping strategies allows you to choose the most appropriate one for a given situation.
Cultivating healthy coping mechanisms is key to your recovery. They provide structure and ways to move through your feelings, lending itself to greater feelings of empowerment.
5. Reparent yourself
Provide yourself with the emotional support you may not have received growing up. Speak to yourself kindly, give yourself permission to feel and express your emotions, and practice self-care. Imagine what a nurturing, emotionally mature parent might say or do in moments of distress, and give that to yourself.
6. Learn to self-soothe
Identify activities or actions that help you calm down when emotions run high. This could include listening to calming music, taking a warm bath, engaging in creative activities, or using sensory techniques like holding a comforting object.
7. Understand and challenge unhelpful beliefs
Emotionally immature parents may have conveyed messages that emotions are bad, weak, or should be avoided. Challenge these beliefs by recognizing that emotions are natural, valid, and provide important information about your needs and experiences. Again, ask yourself what is the evidence for this?
In order to have positive emotions, you must also recognize that negative emotions are present for a reason. They are telling you something that needs to be addressed.
8. Practice emotional expression
Allow yourself to express your emotions in a healthy way, whether through art, writing, talking, or movement. Bottling up emotions can lead to emotional dysregulation, while healthy expression can provide a sense of relief and clarity.
9. Build a supportive environment
Surround yourself with people who respect your emotional needs and offer a safe space for you to express your feelings without judgment. This can help you practice new ways of relating to your emotions in a supportive context.
10. Practice patience and self-compassion
Understand that emotional regulation is a skill that takes time to develop, especially when you’re starting from a place of emotional neglect or invalidation. Be patient with yourself, and recognize that setbacks are part of the learning process.
I cannot express the importance of this step. Patience and self-compassion leads to greater self-love.
Final Thoughts
Overcoming the challenges of being raised by an emotionally immature parent is a journey that requires courage, self-awareness, and perseverance. While it may feel daunting at times, remember that you have the power to rewrite your story and reclaim your emotional well-being.
By embracing self-compassion, seeking support, and learning new skills for emotional regulation and boundary-setting, you can heal from the wounds of your past and create a life that reflects your true worth and potential.
Your upbringing does not define you; it is simply one chapter in a much larger story that you have the strength to shape and transform.By consistently applying these strategies, you can gradually rebuild your self-esteem and self-worth, developing a more positive and empowering self-image that is not defined by your parents.
You will gradually develop the confidence and skill to set and maintain boundaries, leading to more balanced and respectful interactions in your life and will also learn how to build your capacity for emotional regulation, leading to healthier relationships with yourself and others.
Stay strong and carry on.
