11 Signs of a Toxic Person and Why We Stay
Do you find yourself in a toxic relationship and find yourself asking how you got here and more importantly, what to do? Understanding why individuals - like yourself- stay in toxic relationships is often complicated. Often, individuals find themselves entangled in toxic dynamics due to a combination of fear, attachment, low self-esteem, and a genuine belief that things will change. The reasons can be deeply rooted in personal history, learned behaviors, and societal influences. This blog explores 11 signs of a toxic person and why people stay.
Despite the evident harm, the familiarity of the relationship or the fear of being alone may outweigh the perceived risks of leaving. You may find that you feel unhappy most of time or it is no longer enjoyable. This makes leaving all the more complex, which is all too common.
A toxic relationship isn’t always abusive, but an abusive relationship is always toxic.
Here are common signs of a toxic person along with suggestions to help you decide if you should stay or leave the relationship.
They use guilt to get their way which is a form of manipulation, are easily and often jealous, and see themselves as the victim.
They engage in backhanded compliments and gaslight you – by making you feel insecure in your knowledge. They gaslight you by questioning your memory, perception and sanity and call you ‘crazy.’ This is a form of psychological abuse.
They love bomb. They use over the top affection, flattery, gifts and praise early in the relationship to win you over for attention for the purpose of being able to control you.
They lack insight as to how their behaviors affect you and others, have little emotional intelligence, feel superior, don’t apologize, and compete with you while keeping score.
They exhibit controlling or abusive behaviors. As a result of this, you will experience a change in relationship with your family or friends.
They are resentful and hold a grudge.
They are dishonest and lie.
They lack empathy and remorse and have a tendency to with a withhold information, be deceitful, and cast blame on everyone but themselves.
They are toxic and self-centered and are very manipulative and do what they need to do to get what they want. They really are not interested in you, just the control and manipulation.
They show patterns of disrespect - providing no support in front of friends and will ‘throw you under the bus’, forgetting things (because. you are not important to them) and be chronically late.
They are often fiscally irresponsible, are poor with money and are more prone to financial infidelity.
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How a Toxic Person makes you feel
When you spend time with a toxic person, it can make you feel confused, uncertain, and unhappy about yourself. It can be emotionally tiring and leave you feeling drained after interacting with them. There may be unclear boundaries and you might feel guilty when you say no because they often don't accept it.
As a result of being in a relationship with a toxic person, you lack self-care and feel like you have lost yourself – because you have. You might say something like, “I don’t feel like myself, but I don’t know what to do.” Should I stay? Should I go?
In a toxic relationship, things can be really unpredictable, causing you to always be on edge and change how you act to avoid conflict. You feel like you are walking on eggshells. This can make you feel stressed and afraid to express your true feelings, because you don't feel safe. It's a constant roller coaster of ups and downs, and it can even become abusive.
Can the situation be resolved? Both individuals must recognize that both of them need to make changes, with more responsibility falling on the toxic person. However, if the toxic person is not willing to make changes, the relationship will not improve.
However, any relationship that involves physical or any other abusive behavior requires intervention but is often too toxic to fix. Don’t stay just to stay. Be willing to risk walking away if you feel strong enough to do that. Get the support from family and friends. Put yourself first.
There are often fundamental reasons that go beyond the rational and are more emotionally.
11 Reasons Why People Stay in a Toxic Relationship
1. You accept the love you think you deserve
Many people wonder why someone stays in a bad relationship. You may feel like you don't deserve anything better because of your past. You believe you are damaged and don't think you can have a good relationship.
2. You prefer comfort
There is comfort in knowing what to expect from a relationship - even if it’s toxic. People don’t like to change and often feel that eventually the person will change - if they just work a little harder and continue to stay. So you hope they will just change.
3. You have low self-esteem
You don't value yourself and lack confidence, which causes you to stay in unhealthy relationships. Sadly, these relationships only become more harmful, making you feel even worse and decreasing your self-worth even more.
You think they're not good enough or valuable. It's a harmful cycle. You feel guilty and always think you could do more. The toxic person also makes you feel this way, which is a way of controlling you.
4. You fear loneliness
You may choose staying in a toxic relationship because you fear being alone, but learning to live by yourself helps you attract better partners.
5. You have a history of being unhappy
Because you had a troubled upbringing, you lack knowledge about healthy relationships. You've consistently found yourself in unhappy situations. You believe that this is the norm for relationships and resign yourself to perpetual unhappiness.
6. You have an illusion of control
You think you have control of the relationship so you minimize and ignore it.
7. The sunk cost theory
If you put a lot of time and effort into a relationship, it becomes difficult to end it. So, if you've spent a long time and put in a lot of effort, it's more likely you'll stay in the relationship even if it becomes unhealthy. You've invested a significant amount of time and energy.
8. You need to fix your partner
You want to change your partner. Perhaps you believe it is your responsibility. It is not. If you were raised as a caretaker, you may believe that fixing your partner is just a role you must fulfill. Breaking old patterns is difficult, but it is important to take necessary steps.
9. You have children with them
You might have children with them that makes leaving difficult. You might not have the resources – money or support from others.
10. You focus on the positive moments, ignoring the toxicity
You have an overly inflated positive perception/view of the person and ignore the negative and toxic moments. You ignore the red flags.
11. Your beliefs about relationships keep you stuck
You feel that pain, discomfort, or arguing is common in relationships. Love is suppose to hurt. These beliefs reinforce you to stay. People that are in bad relationships often have dysfunctional beliefs about love, relationships and themselves.
Unfortunately, many of these beliefs reinforce the feelings that you are not a good person, you need to endure pain, you are not worthy of good love, and that if you loved your partner enough, things will change.
Toxic vs Unhealthy. There is a difference.
Unhealthy.
An unhealthy relationship depending on how unhealthy it is, can become healthy with both people addressing the issue, resolving the conflicts and finding ways to make necessary changes.
The couple may struggle with intimacy or financial issues, raising children, work stress, etc but they find a way to work through these issues either by themselves or with support (therapist, clergy, family).
The couple hit a rough patch. They can both identify this and start to discuss what changes need to be made, who is taking responsibility for what and then working together on those changes. There is hope expressed in these types of relationships.
Toxic.
A toxic relationship is much more complicated and unless BOTH people are willing to take responsibility and make individual changes to improve the relationship, it just won’t work.
A toxic relationship often has reached the point of no return.
Every toxic behavior is unhealthy but not every unhealthy behavior is toxic.
One person (the healthier one) wants to make changes, but the toxic person, doesn’t and they rarely feel that any change has to be made.
They often lack insight, motivation, and a desire to move the needle to create something healthier.
Final Thoughts
If you're in a bad relationship, set limits for what you'll tolerate. Get help from a professional. Understand how your past, upbringing, and attachment style impact your relationship choices. Recognize why you're staying in these relationships.
Ask yourself:
Is staying healthy?
If I leave what I am afraid of?
Would being alone be better? Work on feeling better about yourself.
If I am with a toxic person why do I want to work it out and stay? Is that really how you want to live?
Do you find yourself in a toxic relationship? It’s all too common. Let’s chat! I am here to help.
Looking to live more intentionally? Check out my new interactive workbook here!
Embark on a transformative journey with our workbook featuring 40 thought-provoking questions designed to guide you toward a more intentional and purposeful life. Explore your values, clarify your goals, and cultivate greater self-awareness through engaging exercises that empower you to make mindful choices and create a life aligned with your deepest aspirations.
Photo by Pavel Danilyuk
