5 Ways To Stop Having the Same Kind of Unhealthy Relationship
When it comes to our romantic lives, we all hope for something different each time. Yet, despite our best intentions, it’s not uncommon to find ourselves in the same kind of unhealthy relationship over and over again.
This is because repetitive relationship patterns are not coincidental. Despite finding yourself in the same kind of relationship, it might be time to take the necessary steps to break the cycle because there are ways you can stop having the same kind of unhealthy relationships.
There are several factors that often contribute to why you might keep having the same kind of relationship. It could be anything from unresolved childhood trauma, not being in touch with your needs, or able to identify the red flags to simply not knowing what you want in a partner.
Below you will find 5 ways to stop having the same type of unhealthy relationship.
5 Ways to break the cycle of repetitive and unhealthy relationships
1. Do a Relationship History Inventory
A relationship history inventory is an examination of all your relationships in order to try and identify patterns. This is a key first step to unpacking how your relationship patterns have evolved. Doing this is helpful in three ways.
It gives you insight into why you keep ending up in the same type of relationship. Taking stock and writing down the positives and negatives in each relationship, helps you connect the dots and see places where you might have become tripped up. And second, it helps you become more aware of what you're looking for in a partner.
The inventory allows you to take stock of the people you have been choosing, common denominators, and the traits and qualities most important to you - whether a person had them or not.
Becoming aware of the qualities that are important to you as well as those that you don’t want in a relationship, helps you better understand each person more closely and why it didn’t work out.
The inventory helps you to understand more deeply what your needs are the deal breakers. When you can identify what your needs are and really own them, it provides you the opportunity to ask for those things in the next relationship so you can have the relationship you envision and want for yourself.
And by taking a look at your relationship history, you are able to identify patterns in terms of the type of person you're attracted to, the kinds of things that trigger arguments or conflict, or even your own role in why the relationships didn't work out.
Some questions to ask yourself:
Why did we break up?
What was and wasn’t working?
What were my contributions to the relationship ending and the issues that I was working on/dealing with?
Why I needed to end the relationship?
What were the things I liked about the person and disliked?
Create your 3 Columns.
What are the 3 columns? Ask yourself:
What are my must-haves? My deal breakers? The things that are really important to me?
What are things I can compromise on or am flexible about?
What are the things I don't really care about?
By identifying the things that are most important - the must-haves and the deal breakers and game changers- allows you to set healthy boundaries and identify things that need to be present for you to move forward. Don’t compromise these things because if you do, they will just come back and bite you in the ass in the future.
There are always traits or behaviors that you can be flexible on or that are less important. That’s good. Identify those. And finally, there are things that people don’t care about or care less about - name those.
If you hop from one person to the other without giving yourself the time and attention you need to become more intentional in having healthier relationships, you will end up with the same type of person and wasting time doing this. So, in a nutshell - don't do this.
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2. Look at Your Patterns and Recurring Choices
Your patterns and recurring choices are usually based on your subconscious programming. This is the result of your past experiences, both positive and negative, that have formed your beliefs about yourself and others.
Taking the time when you are not in a relationship to become more introspective as to what is driving your behaviors and choices, is key. This is how you will learn how to not repeat the same relationship patterns.
Unfortunately, many (most) people don’t always take the time to look at patterns and recurring choices, but find themselves scratching their head, asking ‘how did I end up in the same type of relationship or choose the same type of person again?’
This is why it’s important that if you find yourself having one relationship after another to hit the pause button so you can discover patterns that often are hiding in plain sight.
It also allows you to take a look at yourself and what your role is when relationships don’t work out.
To identify your patterns and recurring choices, ask yourself the following questions:
● What kind of people do I usually date?
● What type of relationship do I usually end up in?
● What kinds of things trigger arguments or conflict in my relationships?
● What is my role in why my relationships don't work out?
Evaluating your dating patterns and recurring choices helps you understand why you keep having the same type of relationships. Asking and answering these questions also provides greater insight to your behaviors when it comes to relationships.
When you're in a relationship, it's easy to get caught up in the moment and ignore the red flags that pop up. Learn to identify this is a pattern of yours that you don’t want to continue repeating.
It is critical to identify your red flags, accept them and know that these red flags are often deal breakers and must be identified as such. When these red flags come up, do not ignore them. If they are deal breakers for you - make a commitment to yourself to honor them and not justify them and/or ignore them. They are there for a reason.
If you ignore them and stay, have you ever found yourself either leaving the relationship for this reason anyway or finding yourself having to deal with this red flag over and over? If so, that should tell you something.
3. Look at your Thoughts and Feelings That Influence Your Choices
If you find yourself repeatedly choosing the same type of person, it's important to pay attention to the thoughts, feelings, and triggers that make you choose them.
There are usually three main things that drive us to choose the same type of person:
● The way they make us feel in the moment.
● Our beliefs about relationships.
● Our beliefs about ourselves.
For example, if you believe that you're not good enough for a healthy and long-lasting relationship, you might find yourself attracted to partners who are also emotionally unavailable. This is because you unconsciously believe that you don't deserve better. So, you pick this person based on this belief you have about yourself and no doubt down wondering how you got here.
If you find yourself in this situation, take the time and think about why you feel you don’t deserve better. Ask:
Is this a confidence issue?
What are your thoughts, feelings, and triggers that are coming up leading you to repeat the same behaviors?
Why don’t you feel or believe you deserve better?
Where did you learn this?
This will often go back to your family of origin or your first family as well as past relationships.
Or, if you have negative beliefs about relationships in general (e.g., "relationships are always full of drama"), you're more likely to attract partners who also have these kinds of beliefs. This can often lead to relationships that are full of conflict and don't last very long - the ones that are full of drama. Like attracts like.
People show up in our life often by what we put out to the world or what we are willing to accept. Again, this goes to your thoughts and feelings both about yourself and relationships.
if you believe that a relationship should be calm and easy-going, you're more likely to attract partners who are also looking for this type of relationship. These relationships can often last longer because they're based on a solid foundation of friendship and mutual respect.
Everyone's definition of a "healthy" and "happy" relationship is different. And it's important to find someone who shares your views on what a relationship should be. You should have shared and similar views and lifestyles and looking for the same type of relationship.
4. Look at the Type of Person You Are Attracting
The type of person you're attracting is also a big factor in why you keep having the same kind of relationship. This is because we tend to attract people who are at the same level of emotional development as we are. It's like they say: "you attract what you are." Again, like attracts like.
So, if you're attracting partners who are emotionally unavailable, it's likely because you're also emotionally unavailable. Many times you attract a person who is at the same level as you.
The best way to change the type of person you're attracting is to work on yourself first. Once you've made some progress in your own personal development, you'll start to attract partners who are also at a similar level.
5. Know Your Attachment Style
Your attachment style is also a big factor in why you keep having the same kind of relationship. Our attachment style is basically how we relate to other people in our lives. It's based on not only the way we were raised and the relationships we had with our primary caregivers growing up but also other relationships that have shaped our lives, who we are, how we react to things in life, etc.
There are three main attachment styles: secure, anxious, and avoidant.
People with a secure attachment style tend to have healthy and long-lasting relationships. This is because they're able to form secure attachments with their partners.
By and large, people with an anxious attachment style often have short-lived and unhealthy relationships. This is because they tend to be clingy and needy in their relationships. They also have a lot of anxiety about being abandoned or rejected.
People with an avoidant attachment style often have trouble forming close and intimate relationships. This is because they tend to be emotionally unavailable and tend to push people away.
If you want to change the kind of relationship you're having, it's important to first identify your own attachment style. Once you know your attachment style, you can start to work on changing it.
Falling into the same relationship traps can be frustrating and disheartening. However, it's important to remember that you can always change the kind of relationship you have and your patterns by taking these steps.
But changing your relationship patterns always starts with you and changing your behavior. You can change your behaviors also by garnering more effective communication skills, managing your emotions, hitting the pause button to make sure you are say both ‘yes’ and ‘no’ to people for the right reasons.
Being kind to yourself as you would a friend also helps you change your behaviors. It will take time to unpack and understand the patterns you have developed over time - so in the meantime be kind and compassionate to yourself and recognize it may take some time to make changes.
As you change, you will become more insightful. This is how we all learn and grow.
Final Thoughts.
There are ways you can change the repetitive and unhealthy relationship cycle you have found yourself. Making healthy and sustainable choices in relationships - and in life - is on you. By taking the factors discussed above into consideration, you can start to make some changes in your own life that will lead to healthier and more fulfilling relationships.
There is no better time than the present. If you don’t want to keep having the same type of relationship, make a commitment to yourself today that it’s time. Isn’t it time to put yourself first, time to figure out why you repeat the patterns, and time to take the necessary steps to pivot.
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