4 Ways Children Cope with Emotionally Immature Parents

Emotionally immature parents fear emotional closeness and genuine emotion. Their parenting is inconsistent and emotionally unreliable. What they lack in self-reflection they make up with self-centeredness.

Their feelings and agenda come first. They blame others and rarely, if ever, apologize. For their children, this creates confusion, frustration, sadness, and loneliness.

To survive, kids develop coping strategies. These strategies are smart and protective in childhood—but they can quietly create problems in adulthood, especially in relationships.

Here are four of the most common ways children adapt to emotionally immature parents:

1. Healing Fantasies

You held on to (and continue to hold onto) the hope that someday your parent will change. Your dream of finally being loved, understood, or appreciated the way you need. As an adult, this can translate into chasing emotionally unavailable partners or holding out for relationships that never really meet your needs. This is so common.

Journal prompt: When have I found myself waiting for someone to change instead of accepting who they are?

2. Developing a “Role Self”

Instead of being yourself, you learned to play a part—like the “responsible one,” the “helper,” or the “high achiever.” This role earns approval, but it buries your true feelings. In adulthood, this often shows up as people-pleasing, perfectionism, or feeling like you always have to “perform” to be loved.

Reflection: What role did I take on in my family growing up? Do I still play that role in my relationships now?

3. Internalizing

You decided the problem must be you. You might think: If I were better, they’d love me. This belief creates guilt, shame, and chronic self-doubt. As an adults, you often struggle with low self-worth and a tendency to blame yourself when things go wrong—even when it’s not your fault.

4. Externalizing

Maybe you pushed your pain outward, blaming everyone else or looking for others to fix it. While this protects you from self-blame, it can make your adult relationships rocky. It often leads to conflict, impulsivity, or waiting for someone else to “rescue” you instead of building self-trust.

Why This Matters

These coping strategies helped you survive a difficult childhood—but they can keep you stuck as an adult. Awareness is the first step to healing. By noticing these patterns, you can begin to:

• Build self-trust instead of relying on others for validation.

• Recognize when you’re replaying old roles.

• Set boundaries that protect your well-being.

• Choose relationships that offer true emotional safety.

What You Can Do Now

Healing from emotionally immature parenting starts with awareness. Notice which of these coping styles feel most familiar to you—then begin practicing new ways of responding as an adult.

Some ideas to start:

• Pause the fantasy: Remind yourself you can’t change others, but you can change how you show up.

• Check your role: Ask, “Am I being authentic, or am I stuck in my old family role?”

• Challenge self-blame: Replace “What’s wrong with me?” with “What did I learn that no longer serves me?”

• Build self-trust: Make one small decision for yourself each day without asking for outside validation.

Use the checklist included below to get clearer on your patterns. It’s a practical tool to help you see where these coping styles show up—and where you can start making shifts

Emotionally Immature Parents Checklist

Emotional Immaturity shows up clearly in relationships and its impacts are very profound when the relationship is between a parent and child.

Want to find out if you have emotionally immature parents? Read these statements below and see how many statements reflect your childhood experience.

• I didn’t feel listened to; I rarely received my parent’s full attention.

• My parent’s moods affected the whole household. 

• My parent wasn’t sensitive to my feelings. 

• I felt like I should have known what my parent wanted without being told.

• I felt that I could never do enough to make my parents happy. 

• I was trying harder to understand my parent than my parent was trying to understand me.

• Open and honest communication with my parent was difficult or impossible.

• My parent thought people should play their roles and not deviate from them.

• My parent was often intrusive or disrespectful of my privacy.

• I always felt that my parent thought I was too sensitive and emotional.

• My parent played favorites in terms of who got the most attention.

• My parent stopped listening when he or she didn’t like what was being said.

• I often felt guilty, stupid, bad, or ashamed around my parent.

• My parent rarely apologized or tried to improve the situation when there was a problem between us.

• I often felt pent up anger towards my parent that I couldn’t express.

(Reprinted with permission: Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, Lindsay C. Gibson, PsyD.)

Final Thoughts

If you grew up with emotionally immature parents, none of this is your fault. But now, as an adult, you have the power to shift how you relate to yourself and others. Healing means letting go of the roles and fantasies that once kept you safe—and learning new ways to connect with authenticity, confidence, and self-trust.

Ready to go deeper? Download my Parentified No More Workbook—a step-by-step guide with prompts, checklists, and exercises to help you break free from old family roles, set healthier boundaries, and reconnect with yourself.