8 Red Flags in Relationships

We all know many of the red flags that shouldn’t be ignored like he’s committed elsewhere, abusive, has an untreated addiction, is explosive - to name just a few. However, here are eight red flags in relationships that are a bit more subtle and also shouldn’t be ignored.

These go beyond the ones that many of us recognize - abuse (emotional, verbal, physical, sexual, financial), addiction issues, they are already married or in a relationship.

These red flags are often nuanced in such a way that you could miss or ignore at times. However, these are just as important to identify so you can make a healthy decision about the status of your relationship. eave you scratching your head and wondering if you should be concerned or not.

8 red flags in relationships that shouldn’t be ignored

Relationship Red Flag #1: The issue of space

There are two ends of the spectrum when it comes to space. In one direction, your partner needs too much space, and you feel like a single person in your relationship. This could be due to an avoidant attachment style, or it could also indicate a commitment issue.

If a person has a fear of commitment or is commitment-phobic, they will create a distance in the relationship, and you will feel this.

On the other end, your partner is overly needy and makes you feel suffocated. They want to spend all of their time with you. And honestly, it’s just too much and very unhealthy. At first, it might feel ‘great’ but then it becomes overwhelming. It might feel possessive. Or controlling. Or needy.

This could be due to an anxious attachment style. Someone with an anxious attachment style has to spend a lot of time together and gets anxious when they are not around you or don’t know what’s going on.

Their need for knowing and being certain about things in the present and the future often feels overwhelming and constrictive. If you desire some time apart, this might become an issue.

So, what’s a healthy balance? A healthy relationship should be interdependent – time together, time apart. You have shared activities, and you spend time with your friends and family outside of the couple.

Relationship Red Flag #2: They don’t put you first

By and large, they should. Yes, sometimes other things come first. Sometimes work takes the lead or a family issue. I am not speaking of that because we all have those moments. What I am speaking of is a consistent feeling of not being first.

And if you are in this category, you know what this feels like. Something is off. You cannot rely on them.

You come after work, family, friends, hobbies – consistently. It’s as though you are a second thought in many ways. They don’t ask you to come along, your opinion, etc. These are just a few examples of red flags in your relationship when you are not put first.

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Relationship Red Flag #3: You cannot rely on them

When we feel we can rely on someone, we feel we can trust them, and they will be there for us. They have the reliability factor. But what if you feel that you cannot rely on them? Will they have your back? Are you important?

Sure, there might be a ‘one-off’ here and there but they are not reliable. They have a hard time keeping their word. You might find that you keep asking them the same question – why will you not follow through? Why am I not important enough?

This makes you feel like they are unreliable – because they are. This often becomes a constant theme in relationships and relates to the previous example of a red flag of not coming first.

Relationship Red Flag #4: They are deceptive

I am not talking about having an affair - that’s a no-brainer when it comes to an example of a red flag in a relationship. But, when your partner is deceptive enough to leave out information or not share things they are doing, this can harm your relationship.

It may be slight, but deception is a clear red flag and can be a particularly worrying red flag in a long-distance relationship.

Here’s an example of someone NOT being deceptive: A person says, "Hey, I am doing this tomorrow night, or I am thinking about doing this. Does that work with our schedule?” or, “Are you good with that?”

It’s not asking permission to do something it’s just simply common courtesy. Some people will say it’s asking permission. I see it differently. After all, let’s not forget you are in a relationship, and respect and common courtesy go a long way.

But, for someone who is deceptive, they don’t do this. So, it leaves you wondering – are they up to something? What are they hiding? Then you find yourself having to ask and probe.

This is the worst. Why do I have to ask them what they are doing? Or why didn’t they share with me they were doing something? Seems easy to me. Because it IS.

As a result of this red flag, you start to lose trust, and resentment can grow. That never makes anyone feel good. And when you have to probe and ask questions, they might respond with - why are they doing that? Then they might call you controlling. Very common. Which can sound a bit like gaslighting. This leads me to my next point.

Relationship Red Flag #5: They gaslight you

In subtle ways, they make you feel like you are going crazy. They call you controlling. Other signs of being gaslit are love bombing, stonewalling, having rules around sex, and rude and offensive comments. You find yourself thinking, - am I controlling? Am I wrong?

What is so wrong with wanting to know what is going on in their life? Isn’t that what couples do? But the fact they are doing things that undermine the integrity and trust in the relationship. Be wary of this red flag in a relationship.

Watch the video below to see if your relationship has red flags

Relationship Red Flag #6: They have poor communication skills

A clear example of a red flag in a relationship. Instead of communicating, they yell and stonewall you. They shut you down. They are passive-aggressive. They have poor emotional regulation - meaning they cannot regulate their own emotions and are all over the place, they explode like a powder keg, or don’t know how to effectively communicate their thoughts and feelings.

They are unwilling to hear what you have to say. They don’t listen. You don’t feel seen, heard, or listened to.

You might share something with them that is important to you, but they are too busy looking at social media or not acknowledging that what you are sharing with them is important. They invalidate.

Relationship Red Flag #7: They don’t take responsibility for making changes in the relationship

They are unable to understand that relationship challenges are often shared by two – in varying degrees and in different ways. They are unwilling to take feedback or suggestions about what changes they need to make in the relationship.

They feel it’s their partner’s issues, not theirs.

Sometimes one person individually must make a change, but by and large relationship challenges are owned by both. Again, they expect you to make the change and have little insight (or care) about what they need to do to make it a healthier relationship.

Relationship Red Flag #8: You carry the emotional weight of the relationship

You are the one carrying the emotional and mental weight of the relationship. It feels exhausting. Most of the time – but not always – women will be the one that feels this way and brings it up. Some examples: bringing up difficult topics, planning for trips, going out, doing things together, following through on responsibilities – and what I mean about this is dividing up household chores.

This is a constant theme and leaves people so frustrated. Carrying the emotional weight of the relationship will eventually wear you down if not talked about.

And along with wearing you down, creates an element of resentment – which we all know can be a relationship deal breaker.

So, that completes my list of Red Flags in relationships. No, this list is not exhaustive, but these are the common red flags that often rise to the top for me when working with people.

Final Thoughts:

Red flags in a person and a relationship are red for a reason. It means STOP. Look around and don’t settle for someone who has these red flags. They simply just don’t go away - unless they are willing to make significant changes in who they are. So, pay attention.

Can you identify with any of these red flags? Although this list is not exhaustive, these are the common red flags that often present that are easy to ignore, disregard, or justify. Read here for more red flags in relationships.

Are there Red Flags in your Relationship?

Do you identify with any of the red flags above? Are you in a relationship with some or many of these red flags? If so, let’s chat.

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