Are You a People Pleaser?
Life has a way of putting us in a position where sometimes we have to say ‘yes’ or go along even if in the moment, we don’t want to. This is quite common. It’s the give and take of life. However, being a people pleaser is something very different.
People pleasing behavior often stems from a deep-seated fear of rejection or conflict, leading you to consistently seek validation through accommodating others.
Being a people pleaser means you prioritize the needs, desires, and approval of others over your own well-being - to your own detriment. It’s a way of being and moving through life. You forsake your needs - consistently, over time, and in different areas of your life - for others. This is unhealthy.
While the intention behind people-pleasing may be to maintain harmony and foster positive relationships, it often results in the neglect of your personal needs, boundaries, and self-worth. This can also lead to codependency.
Over time, this can lead to feeling emotionally exhausted, resentment, and an erosion of self-identity, highlighting the need for you to strike a healthier balance between pleasing others and honoring your own needs.
Key Takeaways:
Who becomes a people pleaser
Impact of being a people pleaser
Common traits of a people pleaser
Recognizing and addressing people-pleasing traits
Steps to overcome people-pleasing behaviors
Who Becomes a People Pleaser
People-pleasing behavior can develop in a variety of individuals, often as a result of certain personality traits, life experiences, and upbringing. But, here are some common factors and types of people who may become people pleasers. Can you identify with any of these?
Personality Traits
Empathetic Individuals: You are naturally empathetic and sensitive to the feelings of others may be more inclined to people-please in order to avoid causing discomfort or conflict.
Conflict-Avoidant Individuals: You fear conflict or have a strong desire to maintain peace and harmony might resort to people-pleasing as a way to prevent disagreements and confrontations.
Perfectionists: You have perfectionist tendencies and may strive to meet everyone’s expectations perfectly, leading you to constantly prioritize others’ needs over your own.
Upbringing and Family Dynamics
Children of Critical or Demanding Parents: You grew up with parents who were highly critical or had unrealistic expectations of you, may develop people-pleasing behaviors in an attempt to earn approval and avoid criticism.
Enmeshed Families: You were raised in an enmeshed family, where personal boundaries are blurred and your needs were often overlooked. Thus, you may learn to prioritize the needs of others to maintain family harmony.
Caretaker Roles: You took on the caretaker role early in life, and were parentified, such as caring for a sick parent or sibling. You may have developed a habit of putting others’ needs first, leading to people-pleasing behaviors.
Life Experiences
Trauma Survivors: If you have experienced trauma, particularly relational or emotional trauma, you may have become a people pleaser as a coping mechanism to gain a sense of control or security in your relationships.
Victims of Bullying: You were bullied or marginalized in life while growing up. You engaged in people-pleasing to gain acceptance and avoid further negative treatment.
Low Self-Esteem: You have low self-esteem or a lack of self-worth and may believe that pleasing others is necessary to earn love and acceptance.
Social and Cultural Influences
Cultural Expectations: In your culture, there is a strong emphasis on collectivism and putting the needs of the group or family above individual desires, which can foster people-pleasing behavior.
Gender Roles: If you were raised with traditional gender roles, particularly those that emphasize nurturing and caregiving, pressured you to adopt people-pleasing behaviors. This is especially true for women.
Workplace and Social Environments
High-Pressure Work Environments: In a competitive or high-pressure work environments, you may people-please to gain favor, avoid conflict, or ensure job security.
Social Circles: If you are part of social circles that value conformity and approval, you may feel compelled to engage in people-pleasing to fit in and be accepted.
Psychological Factors
Anxiety and Fear of Rejection: If you struggle with high levels of anxiety or an intense fear of rejection, you may people-please to alleviate your fears and maintain relationships.
Need for Control: You are a people pleaser as a way to exert control over your environment by ensuring others are happy and satisfied, thereby reducing unpredictability and conflict. You seek to avoid difficult situations even though you are unhappy.
Sarah* (not her real name)
Sarah started therapy because she began to recognize that she had many people pleasing behaviors. She has always been the ‘go to’ person among family and friends and with her co-workers. She would stay late at work to help a colleague or say yes to plans with friends she didn’t enjoy. She found that when she had time for herself, which was very limited, she was too exhausted from doing everything for everyone else. In her present relationship, she feared saying no or expressing her true feelings would lead to conflict or rejection, so she continued to put them first, even when it left her feeling resentful and exhausted.
Sarah realized she was burning out. She was constantly anxious and felt like she was losing her sense of self. She knew something had to change.
Our work together began with exploring the roots of her people-pleasing behavior, discovering that it stemmed from her childhood, where she learned to please others to gain approval and avoid conflict.
Sarah became more aware of how often she prioritized others’ needs over her own. She started to recognize the situations where she felt compelled to say yes, even when she wanted to say no. This awareness was the first step in helping her understand the impact of her behavior on her mental health and relationships.
She began practicing setting small, manageable boundaries. She started by politely declining invitations to events she wasn’t interested in and delegating tasks at work instead of taking on everything herself. At first, she felt guilty and anxious, and very uncomfortable but with time, she began to see the positive impact these boundaries had on her well-being.
We discussed how she could start working on developing her assertiveness skills. She learned how to express her needs and opinions clearly and respectfully, without fearing the reaction of others. This involved role-playing scenarios in therapy and gradually applying these skills in real-life situations.
Sarah also started to focus on self-care and practicing healthy selfishness. She scheduled regular time for activities that she enjoyed and that recharged her, such as reading, exercising, and spending time with supportive friends who respected her boundaries. This helped her rebuild her self-esteem and reinforced the importance of putting herself first. She started to heal.
Over time, Sarah noticed significant changes. She felt more in control of her life, less stressed, and more connected to her true self. Her relationships improved as well; by setting clear boundaries and being honest about her needs, she fostered healthier, more balanced connections. While the journey wasn’t always easy, Sarah found that overcoming her people-pleasing tendencies allowed her to live a more authentic and fulfilling life. She was able to reclaim her identity – one that really resonated with her.
Impact of Being a People Pleaser
Being a people pleaser can have far-reaching impacts on various aspects of your life often leading to negative consequences despite the intention to foster positive relationships and harmony. Here are a few key ways this happens:
Personal Well-Being
Emotional Exhaustion: You are constantly prioritizing others' needs over your own can lead to emotional burnout and fatigue.
Loss of Self-Identity: You may struggle with a weak sense of self, as your actions and decisions are heavily influenced by others' expectations.
Increased Stress and Anxiety: The pressure you feel to continuously meet others' needs and avoid conflict can cause heightened levels of stress and anxiety.
Relationships
Imbalanced Relationships: You often find yourself in relationships where the giving and receiving are not balanced, leading to feelings of being taken advantage of or unappreciated. This can create a codependent relationship.
Resentment and Frustration: You suppress your own needs and desires which over time and unchecked can build resentment and frustration and can strain relationships.
Difficulty Establishing Boundaries: You have a tendency to avoid saying no or setting limits. This can result in a lack of personal boundaries, making it difficult to maintain healthy and respectful relationships.
Professional Life
Overcommitment: You may take on more tasks and responsibilities than you can handle, leading to burnout and decreased productivity.
Inability to Advocate for Oneself: Your fear of confrontation or rejection prevents you from negotiating for better opportunities, pay, or working conditions.
Being Overlooked: By always putting others first, you may not receive the recognition or credit you deserve for your contributions.
Common Traits of a People Pleaser
People pleasers often exhibit several common traits that reflect their tendency to prioritize others' needs - over theirs - to seek approval. These traits often stem from a deep-seated need for validation and fear of rejection or conflict. Can you identify with any of these common traits?
Difficulty Saying No
Overcommitting: You often say yes to requests and favors, even when you are overwhelmed, exhausted, or have little time, leading to overcommitment. You might also feel resentment towards the person you said ‘yes’ to but the truth is you might be angry at yourself for not setting a healthy boundary with your time.
Fear of Disappointing: You fear disappointing others or causing conflict by refusing requests. You might identify with being conflict adverse.
Seeking Approval
Validation Dependence: Your self-worth is often tied to others’ approval and validation, leading you to constantly seek praise and affirmation. This is a ‘black hole’ which will likely leave you depleted.
Avoidance of Criticism: You go to great lengths to avoid criticism or disapproval from others.
Avoidance of Conflict
Peacekeeping: You strive to maintain harmony and avoid conflicts, often at the expense of your own needs and opinions.
Suppressing Feelings: You may suppress your true feelings and opinions to avoid disagreements.
High Empathy
Sensitivity to Others’ Needs: You are often highly empathetic and sensitive to the needs and feelings of others. Being empathic is healthy - to a degree. But if you over index and are too sensitive, this can leave you feel emotionally exhausted and depleted.
Putting Others First: You prioritize others’ needs and well-being over your own. You consistently think of others first, often to your own demise.
Low Self-Esteem
Self-Doubt: You often struggle with self-doubt and a lack of confidence in your own worth and abilities.
Insecurity: Your behavior is driven by a deep-seated insecurity and a need for external validation.
People-Pleasing Behaviors
Over-Accommodating: You tend to go out of your way to accommodate others, often compromising your own needs and desires. You might also lack a strong opinion - one way or another - and sometimes about anything. You might be described as ‘easy going’ but you just really want to please others and not cause waves by expressing your real feelings.
Excessive Apologizing: You frequently apologize, even when it’s unnecessary, as a way to placate others and avoid conflict.
Boundary Issues
Weak Boundaries: You have difficulty setting and maintaining healthy boundaries, leading to being taken advantage of.
Fear of Being Selfish: You may equate setting boundaries with being selfish or uncaring. This is simply not true but it’s how you feel.
Dependence on External Validation
Needing Praise: You rely heavily on praise and positive feedback from others to feel good about yourself. As a result, you often feel confident in your own decisions.
Fear of Rejection: A strong fear of rejection or abandonment drives your behavior. You sacrifice a big part of yourself to make sure you do not feel rejected or abandoned. It can be very soul crushing to continue to live your life this way.
Chameleon-like Behavior
Adapting to Others: You often change your behaviors, opinions, and personality to fit in with others or meet their expectations. You struggle with your own identity and what matters to you.
Lack of Authenticity: This adaptability can lead to a lack of authenticity and a weak sense of self. You might struggle with experiencing individuation.
Emotional Suppression
Bottling Up Emotions: You tend to bottle up your emotions and avoid expressing negative feelings to keep the peace. You might get to a point that you ‘blow up’ or feel like a ‘powder keg’. But since you fear your own emotions and mostly expressing them, you just bottle them up until they flow over.
Resentment and Frustration: Suppressed emotions can lead to underlying resentment and frustration over time. Because you are not expressing yourself or doing things that are good for you, the resentment and frustration continues to grow.
Guilt and Responsibility
Feeling Responsible for Others’ Happiness: You often feel responsible for others’ happiness and well-being. You might know on some level that this isn’t healthy, but because being a people pleaser is so engrained in you, you don’t know how to change your role and become someone different.
Guilt for Prioritizing Themselves: You experience guilt when you prioritize your own needs or say no to others. You feel guilty when you say ‘no’ to someone or do something for yourself - even if you see other people in your life doing that.
Recognizing and Addressing People-Pleasing Traits
Self-Reflection: Recognizing these traits in yourself is the first step toward change. Reflect on past behaviors and their impact on your personal well-being. Do the work to connect the dots and see where you can start to make a small change.
Setting Boundaries: Practice setting and enforcing healthy boundaries in your personal and professional relationships. This is a big but necessary step to overcoming your people-pleasing behaviors.
Building Self-Esteem: Engage in activities that boost your self-confidence and affirm your self-worth independent of others’ opinions.
Assertiveness Training: Learn and practice assertiveness skills to communicate your needs and desires effectively without feeling guilty.
Mindfulness and Self-Care: Engage in mindfulness practices and prioritize self-care to maintain emotional and mental well-being.
Steps to Overcome People-Pleasing Behaviors
Self-Awareness: Learn to recognize and acknowledge your people-pleasing tendencies. Reflect on past behaviors and situations where these tendencies were prominent.
Set Clear Boundaries: Learn to establish and communicate personal boundaries clearly. Practice saying no in a respectful but firm manner. Start small and when asked to do something, take a beat and hit the pause button. Take 30 minutes to think about it. Ask yourself, ‘is this something that I want to do?’
Prioritize Self-Care: Make self-care a priority. Engage in activities that promote well-being and personal fulfillment. Make a list of things that bring you joy and happiness and start doing one of those.
Professional Guidance: Work with a trained therapist who can provide guidance and encouragement in developing healthier behaviors. Often a trained professional can help you get to the root of your people pleasing behaviors and help you set boundaries, become more aware, and take small steps to stop your people pleasing behaviors. They will also offer strategies and tools to overcome people-pleasing behaviors and build healthier relationships.
Healthy Selfishness: Learn how to practice healthy selfishness by taking small steps to put yourself first.
Build Self-Esteem: Engage in activities that boost self-confidence and self-worth. Affirm personal strengths and achievements. Make a list of your personal strengths and accomplishments no matter how small.
Practice Assertiveness: Develop assertiveness skills to communicate needs and desires effectively without feeling guilty or anxious. Learn how to communicate in healthy ways but using ‘I’ statements, active listening, reflection, and clarification.
Challenge Negative Beliefs: Identify and challenge negative beliefs about oneself that contribute to people-pleasing behavior. Replace them with positive, affirming thoughts. Look for the evidence behind your negative beliefs.
Focus on Authenticity: Strive to be authentic in interactions with others. Express true feelings and opinions rather than conforming to what is expected. Start small and express how you feel that helps you become more authentic not just with others, but yourself.
Seek Support: Friends and family can provide encouragement and reinforcement when you attempt to set boundaries and prioritize your own needs. Don’t be afraid to ask for support and guidance as people especially family and friends want to help you.
Role Models: Observing and learning from role models who demonstrate healthy boundaries and assertiveness can provide valuable insights and inspiration. Watching and learning from others will help you and provide a healthy context as you make changes in your life.
Final Thoughts:
Overcoming your tendency to be a people pleaser is a journey toward reclaiming your self-worth and establishing healthier, more balanced personal and professional relationships. By recognizing and addressing the underlying causes of your people-pleasing behaviors, you can learn to set and enforce boundaries, prioritize your own needs, and build greater self-esteem.
The process involves self-awareness, assertiveness training, and seeking support from trusted friends, family, or professionals. As you begin to assert your own needs and embrace your authentic self, you can achieve a more fulfilling and harmonious life.
Embracing this transformation not only enhances your personal well-being but also paves the way for more genuine and respectful connections with others. And by addressing the root causes of your people-pleasing behavior and implementing strategies to develop healthier patterns, you can ultimately achieve a better balance between caring for others and honoring and caring for your own needs.
Ultimately, this will lead to more fulfilling relationships, improved well-being, and a stronger sense of self.
It is a journey worth taking - so take it.
