Why You Self-Sabotage Relationships and How to Stop

Self-sabotaging a relationship refer to patterns of behavior in which you unconsciously (or sometimes consciously) undermine or harm your own relationship, often due to underlying fears, insecurities, or unresolved emotional wounds. These behaviors might include pushing your partner or others away, creating unnecessary conflicts, being overly critical, or not allowing the relationship to progress healthily.

If you find yourself doing this, then you might also realize that at times you do this due to fears of vulnerability, rejection, or inadequacy. This causes you to engage in actions that ultimately prevent intimacy and closeness. These patterns are often deeply ingrained, often stemming from childhood, your upbringing, and past experiences, which can make it difficult to sustain healthy, fulfilling relationships unless recognized and addressed.

However, from where I sit (always) change IS possible to stop this behavior but requires self-awareness, vulnerability, and a willingness to change long-standing patterns.

People Likely to Self-Sabotages Relationships

If you experience any of these traits, you may be more likely to sabotage relationships. These traits are often based in underlying fears, insecurities, or past experiences that create a barrier to trusting and connecting deeply. How many resonate with you?

1. Low Self-Esteem
   If you struggle with low self-esteem and self-worth, you may feel you don’t deserve a healthy, loving relationship. This belief can lead you to subconsciously sabotage relationships, pushing your partner away or doubting the stability of the relationship. You may also have people-pleasing tendencies.

   If you feel that you are ‘unloveable’ or not worthy of a loving relationship, you may engage in behaviors that can sabotage the relationship. This often is not something you are doing consciously, but often unconsciously as your beliefs about your self-worth are negative and drive your behaviors.

2. Fear of Intimacy or Vulnerability
   You may fear getting close to others and thus might engage in self-sabotaging behaviors to maintain distance. Intimacy can feel threatening if you equate closeness with a risk of being hurt, leading you to reject or undermine deepening connections.

3. A History of Trauma or Past Heartbreak
   If you have experienced significant trauma, abuse, or betrayal, it is not uncommon for you to have developed self-protective behaviors to prevent future pain. Self-sabotage can feel like a way of maintaining control, keeping people at arm’s length, or you leaving before they get hurt.

   But that just creates a vicious cycle and a negative feedback loop that reinforces that you don’t deserve to be loved.

4. Attachment Issues
   If you have an anxious or avoidant attachment style, you may be more prone to self-sabotaging. If you are anxiously attached, you might act in needy or controlling ways, while if you have an avoidant attachment style, you may pull back or shut down when the relationship starts to deepen.

5. Trust Issues
   If you struggle with trust issues, often stemming from betrayal or inconsistency in past relationships, this can lead you to doubt your partner’s intentions. As a result, you might preemptively sabotage the relationship as a form of self-protection, fearing that trust will ultimately lead to disappointment.

6. Perfectionists
   If you have perfectionistic tendencies, you may have extremely high standards for both yourself and your relationships, which can lead to self-sabotage. You might constantly look for flaws in your partner or the relationship, fearing that anything less than perfect will lead to failure.

   This mindset can, and often does, create tension and dissatisfaction, causing you to push partners away or become overly critical.

7. Fear Loss of Independence
   If you highly value your independence, you might feel that a committed relationship could threaten your autonomy. You may sabotage relationships by pulling back, avoiding deeper connection, or acting in ways that push your partner away, all to maintain a sense of control and freedom.

   Your fear of losing yourself in a relationship can prevent you from fully embracing intimacy and commitment.

How many do you say ‘Yes’ to?

This is not a diagnostic tool, but rather an assessment to determine where you stand and can be used in conjunction with therapy or your own personal self-growth journey.

• Do you push people away when they get too close?

  • Do you withdraw or become distant when a relationship starts to deepen emotionally or when intimacy increases?

  • Do you find yourself finding reasons to avoid spending time together or pushing your partner away when things feel too serious?

• Do you create unnecessary conflict?

  • Do you tend to start arguments or stir up drama when things are going well in the relationship?

  • Do you find yourself looking for problems or flaws where none exist, often leading to unnecessary tension?

• Do you fear rejection or abandonment?

  • Are you overly anxious about being rejected or abandoned, even when there’s no evidence that this will happen?

  • Do you have a tendency to self-fulfill this fear by pushing people away or behaving in ways that make it more likely to happen?

• Do you avoid vulnerability?

  • Do you struggle to open up emotionally to your partner, fearing that they will judge or hurt you?

  • Are you uncomfortable with being vulnerable or showing your true feelings?

• Do you sabotage your own happiness?

  • Do you feel unworthy of love or happiness and find ways to undermine your relationship (e.g., by not allowing yourself to fully trust your partner or accepting love)?

  • Do you find it difficult to believe that someone could genuinely care about you?

• Do you have a tendency to doubt your partner’s feelings or intentions?

  • Do you often second-guess your partner’s love or commitment, even when they show affection and loyalty?

  • Do you assume the worst, expecting that your partner will eventually let you down?

• Do you react impulsively or out of anger during disagreements?

  • Do you shut down, lash out, or act defensively during arguments instead of communicating calmly and constructively?

  • Do you regret how you behave after a conflict but struggle to change your reaction?

• Do you push for perfection or expect too much?

  • Do you hold your partner (or yourself) to unrealistic standards, often leading to disappointment or frustration when those expectations aren’t met?

  • Do you find yourself constantly looking for flaws or issues, even in a healthy relationship?

• Do you avoid commitment or long-term plans?

  • Do you hesitate to make long-term commitments or plans with your partner, even though you care about them?

  • Do you find yourself questioning the future of the relationship or avoiding conversations about the future?

• Do you tend to repeat unhealthy patterns in relationships?

  • Do you notice yourself repeating the same behaviors in different relationships, even if they led to negative outcomes in the past?

  • Are there recurring themes of self-sabotage (e.g., choosing unavailable partners or getting involved in toxic dynamics)?

If you answer "yes" to several questions: This may indicate that you are engaging in self-sabotaging behaviors in your relationships. Self-reflection, therapy, and addressing underlying emotional issues can help break these patterns.

If you answer "no" to most of the questions: This suggests that you may have a healthier relationship with yourself and others, but it’s always helpful to check in with yourself regularly and continue growing emotionally.

Are you self-sabotaging relationships? Let’s chat! Use this link to connect and set up a consultation.

8 Ways to Start Making Changes - Now

1. Acknowledge the Patterns
   The first step is recognizing that you are engaging in self-sabotaging behaviors. Pay attention to moments when you pull away, create unnecessary conflict, or reject intimacy. Reflect on your past relationships and identify recurring behaviors that have hindered connection or caused harm. Do a relationship inventory. Journal your moments of pulling away and what your triggers are that cause you to pull away. Journaling will help you connect the dots. This is a necessary step.

2. Understand the Root Causes
   Begin the process of identifying and understanding your unresolved emotional wounds, fear of vulnerability, or past trauma. Take time to explore the underlying causes of your fear or insecurity—whether it’s fear of rejection, abandonment, or unworthiness. When did this begin? In childhood? What was the wound you experienced. Check out this great book - The Origins of You.

3. Challenge Negative Beliefs
   Challenge your negative beliefs about yourself or relationships to work on shifting beliefs like "I don’t deserve love," "All relationships will fail," or "I can’t trust anyone." This type of thinking is ‘all or nothing’ and doesn’t exist in life. Ask ‘is this a fact or a feeling?’ ‘Where is the evidence for this?’ Using Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) techniques or affirmations can help reframe these thoughts into healthier, more realistic beliefs.

4. Improve Communication Skills
   Take the time to improve your communication, whether it's learning how to express your needs so you don’t continue to avoid conflict. Practice honest, open communication with your partner about your fears, desires, and needs. Learn how to navigate conflict constructively, rather than creating drama or shutting down. Do this in small steps and carve out a time that both of you are available - emotionally, physically, and mentally - to have these discussions.

5. Build Trust Gradually
   Connect your fear of intimacy with your lack of trust, so you can start develop trust slowly. Focus on building small moments of connection and proving to yourself that not every relationship will lead to betrayal or hurt. Practice being open and vulnerable, but at a pace that feels safe.

6. Practice Self-Love and Self-Compassion
   Learn to value and care for yourself. When you have a strong sense of self-worth and self-respect, you’re less likely to self-sabotage because you understand that you deserve healthy relationships. Engage in self-care practices, develop your interests and passions, and reinforce the idea that you are enough just as you are. Engage in activities that bring you join or you are passionate about.

7. Take Responsibility for Your Actions
   Acknowledge your role in relationship dynamics and make an effort to act in ways that align with your values. If you recognize that you’re pushing someone away or acting out of fear, take a step back, apologize if necessary, and make amends where you can. Accountability can help rebuild trust with yourself and your partner.

8. Seek Support and Professional Help
   Overcoming self-sabotage is often a process that involves professional support. A therapist or counselor can help you identify patterns, process past trauma, and work through the deeper emotional barriers that are contributing to self-sabotage. Group therapy or support groups can also provide community and encouragement.

Final Thoughts

Recognizing and addressing self-sabotaging behaviors in relationships is crucial for building healthier, more fulfilling connections. By becoming aware of the patterns that hinder emotional intimacy, trust, and communication, you can begin to break free from old habits and create space for deeper, more authentic connections. This allows you experience greater self-growth and live more intentionally.

Understanding the root causes of self-sabotage—whether they stem from fear, insecurity, or past trauma—empowers you to take responsibility fory our actions and actively choose healthier ways of relating.

Ultimately, by letting go of self-sabotage, we open ourselves up to the possibility of love, growth, and meaningful partnerships that align with our true desires and potential.

Are you self-sabotaging relationships? Let’s chat! Use this link to connect and set up a consultation.