12 Signs Of Gaslighting In Relationships

Gaslighting is a psychological manipulation tactic in which one person distorts reality to make another doubt their perceptions, memories, or sanity. It often occurs in toxic relationships, where the gaslighter dismisses, denies, or twists facts to gain control and undermine the victim’s confidence. The perpetrator seeks to try and manipulate their partner and present their thoughts and feelings as truth.

Over time, the victim may feel confused, second-guess themselves, and become dependent on the gaslighter for validation. This form of emotional abuse can be subtle or overt, but its impact is deeply damaging, leading to self-doubt, anxiety, and a loss of trust in one’s own judgment.

Gaslighting is designed to erode self-trust and create dependency on the manipulator.

Gaslighters are good. They are seductive. They have honed and perfected their gaslighting skills.

Here are some things that gaslighters will say to you:

• If you had been a better spouse, i wouldn’t have cheated.

• I am sorry you feel that way. This - by the way - is so common.

• You need to learn how to communicate better.

• You are the only person I have problems with.

• You are being overly sensitive.

• You are crazy. I never said that. You need help.

• I better do this so you don’t yell at me later.

• I didn’t do anything wrong. Why would you say that?

• We talked about this. Don’t you remember?

• You are forgetting a lot of things lately.

• You are terrible with money.

• You won’t get anyone better than me.

• Why did you do that? You have a tendency to do..

• You act that way because you are going through a mid-life crisis.

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How a Gaslighter Manipulates You

A gaslighter manipulates by distorting reality, causing you to doubt your own perceptions, memories, and emotions.

• Denial of Reality. They outright deny things that happened, even when there’s clear evidence. Example: "That never happened. You’re imagining things."

• Minimizing Feelings. They dismiss or trivialize your emotions, making you feel unreasonable or overreacting. Example: "You’re too sensitive. You’re making a big deal out of nothing."

• Twisting Facts. They distort events to make themselves look innocent and shift blame onto the victim - you. Example: "I only said that because you made me angry. If you hadn’t overreacted, this wouldn’t have happened."

• Projection. They accuse you of the very behaviors they are guilty of, creating confusion. Example: "You’re the one being manipulative, not me!"

• Using Confusion as a Weapon. They give contradictory statements, change stories, or insist something happened differently to make you feel unsure of their memory. Example: "You’re remembering it wrong. I never said that."

• Isolating the Victim. They create doubt about others’ intentions, making you feel like you can only trust the gaslighter. Example: "Your friends are lying to you. I’m the only one who really cares about you."

• Rewriting History. They rewrite past events to favor themselves and make you question your own experiences. Example: "I was never mean to you. I’ve always supported you."

12 Signs of Gaslighting

1.They tell blatant lies.

Their lies are to manipulate you to gain control. They create a web of lies that leave you questioning what is going on. Ask: do they lie to you often? Are you experiencing something different? Does their story add up?

2. They deny.

They will not take responsibility for their actions. They will forget what happened and then blame their behaviors you. You stand there scratching your head thinking am I going crazy? What is wrong with me?

3. They use countering.

They question your memory. They ask things like are you sure? Or I think you are remembering things incorrectly. They will deny the event occurred or they will pretend to forget what actually happened. They do this even if you have evidence.

4. They withhold.

They pretend they do not understand the conversation or refuse to listen, so you begin to doubt yourself. They say things like- I don’t know what you are talking about. You are confusing me.

5. They make you lose your sense of self.

You wonder what is wrong with you. You become afraid to share your experiences with friends or family, because you doubt your reality so much, that you think they will believe your partner. You distrust yourself and rely on others to make decisions for you.

6. They divert.

They divert the attention to something else or question someone’s credibility. That is nonsense what you read. Or where did you read that? Are you sure?

7. They trivialize.

They belittle or disregard how you feel. They tell you that you are ‘too sensitive’ and shouldn’t feel that way. You are overreacting to what is actually valid concerns. They would tell you that other people wouldn’t be reacting the same way.

8. They make you doubt reality.

You look for times that they didn’t treat you this way, feeling like you are too sensitive or that how they are treating you isn’t that bad. You question your experiences and what you believe is real. You question yourself.

9. They cut you off.

They cut you off from family and friends making you feel more powerless and helpless. You feel alone and isolated from others.

10. They blame-shift.

They shift the blame by twisting the conversation so you end up feeling you are responsible for their behavior. For example, they may say, ‘if you didn’t do…, then I wouldn’t have done… When you stop and think about it, you may think, well I did do that, so maybe I am to blame.

11. They use distraction.

They change the subject by asking another unrelated question but never answer your question or the current issue. So, you begin to fear expressing yourself for fear of how they will respond or fear their redemption. They make you feel stupid.

12. They use the silent treatment.

They use the silent treatment to punish you when you displease them. You never know when you are able to speak to them. They control the situation. You are left in the dark.

What You Can Do

If you suspect or believe your partner is gaslighting you, you will want to take the steps to deal with it effectively. First, make sure its true gaslighting. When they offer a different opinion than yours or may say, aren’t you kind of being too sensitive or overreacting, that’s not necessarily gaslighting unless it’s a part of a pattern.

If you choose to stay because you want or have to, there are several things you can start to do now to help you navigate this unhealthy and toxic relationship.

However, if you have the opportunity to leave, you should. These situations rarely if ever get better.

1. Use clear communication

Choose a time to speak to your partner when both of you are in a good place mentally and emotionally, and not stressed. Don’t tell them what he’s doing wrong, but explain the situation sharing the problem and your participation - how they make you feel and then open up the dialogue. Be calm and assertive. Don’t be afraid to speak up.

2. Keep the evidence

It’s important to not only recognize the gaslighting behaviors but also keep the evidence. Get a journal, save text messages and emails so that when you begin to doubt yourself, you have the evidence. Write down events, conversations, and behaviors that seem distorted later. Having a written record can help you stay grounded in reality.

3. Rally your team of support

It’s important to have other people in your life that are supportive that will help you gain a different perspective and not make you feel ‘crazy.’ You need a strong support system to also help you decide your next steps.

4. Gain some distance

When emotions are intense and heightened, we don’t always react the way we want to. It can also evoke more gaslighting behaviors. Take a step back, walk outside, do something that creates distance to help you relax.

5. Set healthy boundaries

It’s helpful to set limits on the gaslighting and let your partner know they cannot get away with their behaviors. You see what they are doing. This allows you set limitations on their abusive behaviors.

Gaslighters thrive on control. Reduce their influence by limiting engagement:
➡ "I’m not going to argue about what I know to be true."
➡ "I won’t continue this conversation if you keep twisting my words."

6. Don’t Engage in Power Struggles

Gaslighters often twist arguments to keep control. Instead of trying to convince them, recognize when to walk away. You don’t need their validation to trust yourself.

7. Trust Your Perception

Gaslighters want you to doubt yourself. Instead, remind yourself:
➡ “I know what I saw, heard, and felt.”
➡ “My feelings are valid, even if they try to dismiss them.”Trust your gut.

8. Stay Calm and Avoid Defensiveness

Gaslighters want an emotional reaction. Staying calm and firm makes their tactics less effective. Respond with neutral statements like:
➡ “We remember this differently, and that’s okay.”
➡ “I’m not going to debate my reality.”

9. Seek professional help from a therapist

A therapist not only provides the safe space to talk about your thoughts and feelings, but asks you questions that make you think differently about your situation. They provide the skills and strategies to address this issue in ways that are healthy. This will help you get stronger and create inner strength.

10. Consider leaving the relationship

Unless your partner is willing to make changes and have insight to their behaviors, things will not change. The relationship is unhealthy, imbalanced, toxic, and abusive. You need to seriously consider how they make you feel and if you believe staying is the best choice for you. If the gaslighting is persistent and damaging, reducing or cutting contact may be the best choice for your mental and emotional well-being.

Final Thoughts on Gaslighting

Overcoming gaslighting requires awareness, trust in one’s own perceptions, and setting firm boundaries against manipulation. Healthy relationships are built on mutual respect, honesty, and open communication—not control or distortion of reality. If you recognize gaslighting in a relationship, seeking support from trusted friends, therapists, or support groups can help rebuild confidence and clarity.

No one deserves to have their reality questioned or their feelings invalidated. By identifying gaslighting and taking steps to protect your mental and emotional well-being, you can reclaim your sense of self and establish healthier, more authentic connections.

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