14 Signs Of An Emotionally Immature Partner
An emotionally immature partner shows a lack of depth and understanding about their emotions as well as their partners. This can be an emotionally immature man or an emotionally immature woman.
They will struggle with communicating in healthy ways, have difficulty managing their emotions, have a lack of empathy, and will often become defensive even around small slights.
Being emotionally immature puts a lot of stress and strain on the relationship leaving the other partner drained and emotionally depleted. Partners and people often want to know can emotionally immature people change?
Before we discuss the 14 signs of an emotionally immature partner that you need to be aware of, let’s look at what causes emotional immaturity.
The 4 Main Causes of Emotionally Immaturity
Just like with other situations - mental health issues, personality disorders - the answer as to why a person becomes emotionally immature, is complicated.
There is no one answer. However, there are several reasons that are more prominent as to why a person becomes emotionally immature ranging from emotional neglect, trauma, abuse, and an unhealthy examples with a poor upbringing.
Children need the attention, care, and safety of their parents to grow in healthy ways. When a child doesn’t receive these things, they have a tendency to overcompensate for the love and attention they never received. They never learned how to trust another or be vulnerable. As a result, their growth and development are hindered and they develop unhealthy relationships with their partners.
1. Emotional neglect
Emotional neglect happens when our primary caretakers failed to respond and are available to our emotional needs growing up. It’s a form of neglect that prevents healthy development in a child and is a leading cause for emotional immaturity in relationships.
It occurs when narcissistic parents fail to respond to their child’s needs at a critical time in their life. This is primarily due to being focused on themselves. They have an unwillingness to do the work and understand what it means and what it takes to be a parent who is available to their child.
This causes emotional immaturity in their children as they move through life.
2. Trauma
Many emotionally immature people come from a history of trauma. Whether that be physical, emotional, or mental abuse, there is no escaping the impact that abuse has on a person.
Often a parent used emotionally immature ways to respond to their child such as silent treatment, stonewalling, lashing out, ignoring them, or drama that has been carried from their family of origin.
Regardless, children had to learn how to cope in these situations that they couldn’t escape. This is very traumatizing for the child to witness and be on the receiving end of these behaviors.
3. Abuse
Imagine a child being beaten down - physically, emotionally, or mentally. It’s a situation they cannot escape. They become hopeless.
They feel helpless to change anything because the person they are supposed to rely on to keep them safe, is the person causing the abuse. There is nowhere to go. This puts their emotional system into overdrive. And because they cannot process the abuse, it becomes more difficult to process their situation from a cognitive and rational place.
They are too focused on keeping themselves safe, stunting their growth and development.
4. Unhealthy examples and a poor upbringing
Often emotional immaturity comes from poor or horrible examples set by their parents. They didn’t set healthy boundaries and the child was exposed to unhealthy behaviors. Or they thought that the behavior and examples set by their parents were ‘normal’ or this is how it’s supposed to be.
If all a child experiences is unhealthy behaviors set by their parents, they will not know that it’s actually unhealthy until they can see healthier examples and behaviors when they get older.
When this happens, there can be an opportunity to change their behaviors and beliefs about themselves and how they should act in adult relationships, but this takes insight and willingness to change and do the work.
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14 Signs of An Emotionally Immature Partner
They cannot handle stress
They use gaslighting
They are selfish
They don't talk about their feelings
They are impulsive
They are needy
They are defensive
They don't take responsibility
They are financially irresponsible
They are unwilling to compromise
They hold grudges
They are emotionally unavailable
They take things personally
They don’t help out
1. They cannot handle stress
They cannot manage the stress that is inherent in everyday life. They may get angry, yell, and call you names because they don’t know how to manage stress in healthy ways. You will become the bane of their anger and inability to process their feelings.
Emotional and verbal abuse in relationships is more subtle than physical abuse, and it often goes unnoticed by friends and family. They use tactics such as threats, isolation, humiliation, and criticism.
2. They use gaslighting
Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation that causes the victim to question their thoughts, feelings, judgment, memories, and sanity. They will make you feel like you are going crazy. You will eventually doubt yourself in ways that are unhealthy.
Emotionally Immature people say things like:
‘You are being overly sensitive.’
‘You are crazy.’
‘We talked about this. Don’t you remember?’
‘You are forgetting a lot of things lately.’
3. They are selfish
Being selfish and having narcissistic tendencies are common behaviors in a narcissistic person. They will not think of or consider your feelings and will make decisions about their life - based on what they need at the moment. Being selfish is due to their lack of empathy and their ability to see things from another person’s perspective.
4. They don’t talk about their feelings
They will overtly ignore sharing how they feel because this makes them feel uncomfortable. You will be left wondering and guessing. You will try to mind read to no avail. This is because expressing their thoughts and feelings is a sign of weakness, a vulnerability.
But being able to do this actually is the opposite - it shows an ability to connect on a deeper level. But because they cannot do this, it will leave you feeling more stressed and less connected.
5. They are impulsive
They react in immature ways through outbursts of anger, giving you the silent treatment, shutting you down, saying hurtful things, and just leaving the situation when they feel any slight. They are highly emotional and often exhibit poor emotional intelligence.
They cannot have a rational or logical conversation without being emotional. You feel like you are dealing with a 5-year-old having a temper tantrum (hint: you are).
6. They are needy
A person who is needy is clingy. It’s a turn-off for most people. They have a hard time respecting boundaries. They don’t honor your need for healthy boundaries, time apart, or independence. They are insecure and feel threatened by it. If this goes unchecked, it can become an unhealthy codependence. And this can also become toxic. They don’t allow you to grow. And despite being needy, many times they have commitment issues.
7. They are defensive
It’s important that both people feel safe and comfortable bringing issues up so they can work on them together. You don’t want to feel like you are walking on eggshells. But you do. They will lash out, call you names, shut you down and shut you out, and refuse to have a conversation.
They don’t listen to what you are saying, they will interrupt you and defend themselves, and this quickly turns into resentment in a relationship.
8. They don’t take responsibility
They don’t acknowledge what they did wrong or when they messed up. They never offer up an apology. They may wait for you to ask for one and then give the proverbial, ‘I am sorry’ with nothing behind it. Because they don’t mean it. They will not be able to admit when they messed up and will blame you for others for their behaviors. It’s never them.
9. They are financially irresponsible
They may hide their money or spend money as if it’s only theirs, this is called Financial Infidelity. This becomes more complicated if you are living together.
They spend money as if they are a single person in the relationship or they are unwilling to talk about money - in the present or for the future. They may also be unwilling to share the expenses based on income and rather share the expenses 50/50 even if you make less than they do.
They don’t know how to manage their money and often have a poor relationship with money.
10. They are unwilling to compromise
In healthy relationships, people know that compromise is important. However, they will be unwilling to meet you in the middle, hear your perspective, or concede in any way. They are stubborn. They dig their heels in and make any conversation about compromise a nonissue. A person who is unable to compromise will use guilt, lying, and blaming you to get their way.
11. They hold grudges
There are times that things bother us about our partner. That’s ok. But being emotionally immature means they hold on to these grudges and when something else angers them - they bring these things up.
They stew over things and hold on to resentment. Or they bring up issues from months or even years ago and bring all of these things up at different times. They ‘throw in the kitchen sink.’ Resentment is a relationship killer and so will negativity that is created by holding on to grudges.
12. They are emotionally unavailable
Having a connection emotionally with your partner is key. It creates a deeper level of emotional intimacy and safety in the relationship. It allows both of you to create meaningful conversations and feel loved, heard, seen, validated, and supported.
However, if your partner is not able to provide emotional intimacy, this can be a major red flag in a relationship. If it stays this way you will be left feeling lonely and disconnected.
13. They take things personally
Even the smallest criticism sets them off. They make the issue about them instead of listening to what you have to say that might be a valid issue. They make everything about themselves and cannot take a step back and look at the situation rationally. They make it about them and shut down any opportunity to have a reasonable conversation.
14. They don’t help out
Even though I am absolutely not a fan of the word ‘help’ because when is it one person’s responsibility to help the other. Whatever needs to be done around the house and for the relationship should be done together - as a team.
An emotionally immature partner will expect you to do everything for them or you may find yourself asking them multiple times. They may get defensive or say you are nagging them. They may often forget to do things or say they are not sure what needs to be done.
How exhausting it all is.
How To Deal With An Emotionally Immature Partner
1. Learn to set healthy boundaries
Don't let yourself be held responsible for the emotional immaturity in your relationship. Setting healthy boundaries is the only way to prevent further frustration and disappointment. When things start to get heated, don't give in to the temptation to keep discussing it; instead, take a step back and do something that's good for you.
When they come back around, be sure to stick to your boundaries and tell them that you can continue the conversation when they've cooled down. Establishing healthy boundaries will provide you with the freedom and respect that you deserve.
2. Open up the conversation
Share how important it is to have an honest conversation and put an end to this constant frustration and by stating, ‘we need to come up with a healthier solution to the issues that are causing distress in our relationship.’
Don't hold onto grudges, but realize that things can't continue the way they are. Express your feelings, and explain that you're unhappy and frustrated with their behaviors, and how it's damaging the relationship.
Together, you can come up with a definite solution to the specific issues that are causing the tension. Their response will give you valuable insight, so that you can make the best decisions for your future.
It’s equally important to be clear on what you both want and need from one another as you strive for a better and healthier relationship. This will give both of you the information we need to decide which path to take.
3. Offer your support
Supporting someone without compromising your boundaries is possible. An effective way to do this is by offering a listening ear and providing solutions to the current situation. Showing your appreciation for their efforts can help them to gain a new perspective.
Additionally, you can help them to understand the root of their behavior and the need for professional help if necessary and if they are willing to do the work to make changes.
However, the willingness to change is essential for progress to be made. Without a commitment to transformation and a willingness to grow, the challenges will persist.
4. Seek professional help
Speaking with a professional can help you work through your thoughts, feelings, and desired direction for the relationship. This provides a supportive environment to think through the issues without feeling overwhelmed. Additionally, they can offer important inquiries, skills, and strategies to better communicate with your partner and help you choose a path for the relationship, whether to stay or go.
Therapy also provides a secure environment to explore your feelings and analyze the direction of your relationship. With the focus solely on you, it can allow for clearer thinking, outside of the typical "fight, flight or freeze" dynamic.
Therapy can also equip you with the tools and strategies needed to communicate more effectively with your partner, while weighing the potential for change and assessing the future of the relationship.
Final Thoughts
Being in a relationship with an emotionally immature person is exhausting and challenging.
Ultimately, you have to decide what is in your best interests and what is healthiest for your emotional and mental well-being. You can offer your support and make changes you feel are necessary from your end.
However, if your partner is unwilling to step back and make necessary changes, your relationship will remain as it is - exhausting, challenging, unhealthy, and possibly becoming toxic.
If you are in a relationship with someone who is emotionally immature and would like to consider working together, let’s chat. Just click the button below and we can have a FREE 15-minute consult!
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