6 Common Struggles of Couples
Couples struggle with many different issues throughout the course of their relationship or marriage. However, there are six common struggles that couples often report. And because of these ongoing struggles, couples find they are stuck - stuck in circular conversations that go nowhere but leave each person more frustrated, sad, and disappointed, lonely, and resentful.
*But it doesn’t have to be like that*
The Miracle Question
Imagine when you wake up in the morning and a miracle happened overnight and all your problems have disappeared, how would you realize that the problem that brought you to therapy, no longer exists?
The miracle question takes a solution focused approach to problems.
Ask: if we were showing up differently, what would it look like?
If we were to visualize a solution to this problem, what would it be and what would it look like?’
Let’s think about it together and have an exploratory conversation about what our issues are and how we can show up differently for one another.
The 6 Common Struggles of Couples
1. Communication Issues
Couples will often say “we can’t communicate.” They actually do, but in negative and unproductive ways. One might be the distancer and the other the pursuer. This is a very common issue in relationships.
While one is trying to connect and get issues resolved and pursue, the other partner will distance themself either because they feel overwhelmed or flooded, are conflict avoidant, or don’t know what to say or do.
It becomes a vicious cycle. Many couples play the blame game or keep score.
According to John Gottman, the first three minutes of a conversation will determine how the conversation will go. When people don’t control their negative emotions and want to have a conversation about a problem, they usually start attacking their partner harshly.
Strategies to fix this relationship struggle:
Soft start up. A soft start up is approaching a conversation with your partner in a soft way (rather than a harsh way) so that they are better able to receive what you are saying. For example, this could simply be asking your partner/spouse when is a good time to have a conversation. For example, if not now, when? This allows each person to be in a good emotional space to have the discussion.
Often what happens is the person who wants to talk about something, just starts talking. Or maybe the other person doesn’t say ‘no this isn’t a good time’, but then remains distracted by email, phone, or tv.
Other examples of a soft start up are using ‘I’ instead of ‘you’, expressing your needs clearly while managing your emotions, and not judging or blaming while using kindness and compassion. Tone and inflection go a LONG way.
5:1 ratio. This simply means 5 positive affirmations, for example “Thank you” you taking out the garbage, folding the clothes, cooking dinner” (could be absolutely anything) to one negative.
Often distressed couples do the opposite - 5 negatives and 1 positive. Just try and see what happens. You might be surprisingly amazed!
Acknowledge triggers. Hey, we ALL have them. That’s not the issue. The issue becomes when we don’t talk about them and find ways to work through them. Because if not, they can leave you in a negative emotional space where you become reactive rather than responsive (big difference) to the situation.
Sometimes the triggers are related to growing up, from another relationship or more often, fear.
Seek to listen, understand, and validate. We often listen to respond not listen to listen. It’s critical that each person listens to their partner and seeks to understand why they are feeling or behaving in a certain way.
Be curious. And simply ask them what they need - don’t try and mind read or figure it out - that never works. Just ask.
They will find a way to tell you and if they don’t immediately, give them time to figure it out. Then meet them where they are and honor their request. Simply ask them what they need. Comfort? A solution? Pretty easy when you think about it.
Makes life that much easier.
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2. Sexual Intimacy Issues
This is a major issue in relationships that causes friction. There are many reasons for this. It could be that the needs and desires of one person differs from their partner. One person could have experienced trauma in their life that contributes to challenges around sex that possibly hasn’t been discussed. They could be in a sexless marriage - which isn’t necessarily a bad thing unless it becomes a problem.
People think there is a ‘normal’ amount of sex they should be having often compared against what they see on tv, in the movies, or possibly conversations with friends. However, there is no ‘normal’ amount of sex couples should be having. Whatever works for you should be your normal. But, because this is often a delicate issue, couples have difficulty talking about it which only increases the tension.
Strategies to fix this relationship struggle:
Schedule sex. Yes, scheduling sex is key. Often both people are not in the mood at the same time. Scheduled, maintenance sex allows for each person to anticipate the date.
Send flirty texts. Sending a flirty text throughout the day encourages anticipation. It is also fun!
Talk about desires. Ask your partner what his/her desires are? What turns them on? What would they like to do but are apprehensive to do? People have a hard time talking about their desires often due to upbringing, their own fears and concerns, or past relationships. That’s ok.
But learning how to take baby steps and talk about things encourages a healthy sexual relationship.
Discuss past traumas. Many times, one person has experienced some form of trauma. It could be past sexual trauma or being in an abusive situation. These can and often do affect the sexual health of the relationship.
It’s important to create the safe space to talk about this with your partner to not only build greater intimacy but to learn how to move through this delicate subject and move beyond it.
3. Financial Struggles
A main issue around money is that most couples don’t know how to talk about finances. They might have grown up differently. Financial issues are a leading cause of divorce. So, take the time to talk about money before you get married or move into together.
But if that ship has sailed, you can still have that conversation. This begins with having an ‘us’ attitude.
Strategies to fix this relationship struggle:
Schedule time to talk about expenses. This should be a time when you are both prepared and are in a good place. Having the emotional bandwidth to have this challenging conversation is key.
Be an open book. Bring all your expenses to the table. It’s important to not hide financial documents. This includes debt you have whether it be through student loans, credit cards, or personal loans.
Talk about what money means to you. Did you grow up with money? Did your family struggle? Are you a spender or a saver? Do you have disposable income? How do you view the money that you have - meaning is it yours or is it joint income? D
Do you have shared short and long term goals? Many couples will say yes they share long term financial goals but it’s how they get there that can become the problem. Have both individual and couple’s financial goals.
Decide on the responsibility of bills. For example, will one person manage all the bills or will this be shared by both? Often one person is better at something than the other but if one person is managing the money then the other partner should also be involved.
For example, a monthly time when both people go over expenses so that each person is kept ‘in the loop.’
Budget, budget, budget. I cannot tell you how many couples don’t have a budget. When asked about it, they look at me like a deer in the headlights! Many don’t know how much it costs to run their home outside of their own personal bills.
This spells trouble because people are ‘managing’ their money with no clear picture or goal.
4. Having high and lofty expectations of your partner
Are your expectations of the relationship lofty or realistic? Couples don’t always talk about their expectations of their partner or of the relationship. And when these conversations go unchecked, people walk around angry or frustrated because their partner didn’t meet their expectations - whatever they might be - and engage in mind reading which of course never works.
Strategies to fix this relationship struggle:
Ask each other what does a healthy relationship look like? Do you have expectations? And if so, what are they? Expectations can be around each person’s role in the relationship, time spent with other people outside the relationship, work, time, money, sex, and/or other family demands. Just ask.
How can we have more healthier expectations about the relationship? What would it look like? Where did these expectations arise?
5. Lopsided domestic responsibilities.
This is a heated topic with couples. If I had a dollar for every argument over household chores! People enter into relationships with their own expectations about what needs to be done around the house, how important or unimportant it is, but more about who should be doing what and why.
I often hear from women - by and large but not always - that they have to ask their partner/spouse to ‘help.’
But it’s important to ask, “why is the responsibility put one person to ask the other for help?” Shouldn’t couples show up as a team figuring out what needs to be done, who will do what, and what it takes to run the home together? as a team because why BOTH people should be showing up and just getting sh*t done.
Strategies to fix this relationship struggle:
Sit down and have that conversation. What needs to get done each week? Who is best at different chores? What does each person like to do? What can we do together? Is there a time during the week when we can do many of these things together and just get them done?
Express yourself. By using a soft start up, discuss the issue at a time that is good for both people. What are your frustrations? What are the circular conversations around this issue?
Follow through. You said you were going to take care of certain things. Then do it. Women - again by and large - are told that they nag. Why do they nag? Did you do what you said you were going to do? If not, why not?
People are bothered less by the behavior (not doing something) than the message it sends - you don’t care enough about me, about us, to follow through. This goes back to the reliability factor - ‘I can’t rely on you.
6. Not putting the relationship first
When did other people and things - like the phone and email become more important than the relationship? For many couples, this is the place they find themselves.
Remember there was a time - often in the beginning - when just being together was enough? No distractions. No outside world.
Just two people getting to know one another. And then bam! The relationship moves down the totem pole.
Strategies to fix this relationship struggle:
Awareness. The first step is becoming aware that the focus on the relationship has waned. Ok. The second step is to make a commitment to making one small change to refocus the energy on the relationship. The third step is to be accountable to this change to both yourself and your partner.
Have a date night. Find a time that works for both people to do something special. It could be a new hobby together, watching a show, or exploring a new area. Anything works.
Idea time. Take time to sit down and talk about different things that both people are interested in doing. Make a list. And to make more creative, put all these ideas on a small piece of paper and put in box or a jar and then each week or month, take turns and choose one and then do that! Make it fun!
Stay curious. Continually being curious about your partner keeps the relationship fun and interesting. Ask questions. Be interested.
Final Thoughts
All couples struggles however these are very common struggles that come with solutions. Each person has to be receptive to changing to improve the relationship. One of the most important aspects is to be aware of your relationship challenges and discuss ways to overcome them and continue to grow both as an individual and as a couple!
Interested In Working Together? Let’s Chat!
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