9 Common Problems of Toxic In-Laws
Dealing with toxic in-laws can be one of the most challenging dynamics in a family. Whether it’s overstepped boundaries, passive-aggressive comments, or controlling behaviors, their actions creates stress, strains relationships, and even impacts your mental and emotional health. The span of their impact on your life can be broad and far reaching.
Navigating these difficult relationships requires a delicate balance of setting boundaries, maintaining your peace, and fostering a healthy environment for yourself, your spouse and immediate family. It also means giving your self grace and having patience as setting boundaries and stepping into your power in this dynamic is challenging. It often feels like an emotional roller coaster. Because it is.
While you CAN’T change their behavior, you CAN control how you respond and your behavior, as to learn how to protect your emotional well-being.
And don’t forget - you also control how much energy you choose to give them. That is key.
Common Traits of a Toxic In-Law
While these factors may explain toxic behavior, they do not excuse it. In any way. Many (most) in-laws who are toxic are emotionally immature. They often have not worked through their own issues and thus expect that others (the adult child and spouse) to continue to conform as they probably did when their were a child.
But times have changed. And the child is now an adult (you).
These types of in-laws find change very difficult if not impossible. This is because many lack insight, hindsight, and foresight. They expect others to revolve around their irrational demands leaving a path of family destruction along the way. They figure why not keep things the way they have always been?
Answer: Because it’s extremely unhealthy. But here we are.
Controlling or Domineering Personality. They struggle with relinquishing control and often interfere in your life, attempting to impose their opinions or preferences on to you and your spouse.
Unresolved Attachment Issues. They have difficulty letting go of their adult child (you) or feels threatened by your new marriage and act possessively or become overly involved.
Insecurity or Low Self-Esteem. Because they feel insecure, they act out defensively, criticize you and your spouse or seek to assert dominance to feel more important or relevant.
Entitlement or Narcissism. They exhibit narcissistic traits, such as a sense of superiority or lack of empathy, that drive them to dismiss boundaries and prioritize their own needs yours.
Fear of Losing Influence. They struggle with the transition from being the central figure in your life (if that’s the case) to sharing that role with your new partner/spouse. This fear manifests as jealousy or competition.
Rigid Beliefs or Traditions. They often hold strong, inflexible views—whether cultural, religious, or generational—and expect you and your spouse to conform to their way of life, leading to tension when those expectations are unmet.
Lack of Emotional Regulation. They have a hard time managing their emotions and react with anger, guilt-tripping, passive-aggressive, or gaslighting behavior when faced with boundaries or disagreements.
Unaddressed Trauma or Toxic Dynamics. If they grew up in dysfunctional or toxic environment, they may unconsciously perpetuate those patterns in their relationships with others, namely you and your spouse.
Feeling Displaced. They perceive your new spouse as a threat, sparking feelings of rejection or competition that drive toxic behavior.
An All Too Common Issue: Boundary-pushing around weddings is a classic issue with narcissistic in-laws.
Weddings are emotionally charged events, and as would be expected, narcissistic in-laws see it as an opportunity to assert control, seek attention, or make the event about them. The more I work with people who have experienced this, the more I realize how unfortunately common these situations are and challenging to manage. But it can definitely be done.
Although for many of my clients, the weddings are over, the aftermath and the consequences remain - to varying degrees- which will affect their relationships moving forward, how much time they spend together, and what life post wedding will look like.
5 Things We Work On:
Continue to present a unified front. Both should be aligned. They should take the lead in communicating boundaries with their parent(s), as it carries more weight.
Setting healthy boundaries. Discussing with their spouse what the boundaries are and which ones are most important as a start.
Anticipate and prepare for pushback. Narcissistic in-laws may resort to guilt-tripping or emotional manipulation if they don’t get their way. Practice responses in advance.
Prepare for aftermath. Narcissistic in-laws may dwell on perceived slights or bring up the wedding in future arguments. Stay consistent with your boundaries.
Acknowledge the small wins. Recognize when they are making changes and the things they (you and your spouse) are doing to improve the relationship.
9 Common Problems of Toxic In-Laws
1. Boundary Overstepping
Your in-laws try to involve themselves too much in your decisions, parenting style, or personal life. They share their opinion often and might disregard your instructions about parenting, roll their eyes, or just ignore what you are saying and do what they want to.
2. Unsolicited Advice
They offer frequent, unrequested input on topics like marriage, finances, or raising children. This feels intrusive or critical because unsolicited advice is. You didn’t ask for their advice, they just give it.
3. Favoritism
They favor one sibling or spouse over another, creating tension or feelings of rejection. Their favoritism is blatant. You see, you feel it, you know it. The one that is favored knows this too.
4. Cultural or Generational Differences
Conflicts arise due to differing values, traditions, or expectations when you and your spouse don’t want to continue doing in your family. They say things like, ‘This is how it is done.’ ‘Tthis is how it is always done.’ This is how my generation does is and so we expect you will continue to do it this way.’
5. Jealousy or Competition
Your in-laws may struggle with feelings of jealousy or competition, particularly if they feel replaced in your spouse’s life. Instead of considering the new spouse as an addition to the family, they see them as a threat and they (in -laws) will be replaced. They come from a place of ‘less than’, jealousy and envy.
6. Lack of Respect for the Couple's Autonomy
They fail to recognize you and your partner as a couple and as a separate unit. This create stress by undermining decisions or being overly involved. It is challenging for them to see both of you as individuals and as a couple thinking that you are not capable of making your choices and decisions without their input.
7. Passive-Aggressive Behavior
Rather than addressing issues openly, they use guilt trips, backhanded comments, or the silent treatment. The silent treatment (which is a form of verbal abuse) is very common. They say and do things that hope make you feel guilty so you will come around and agree with them. Don’t do that.
8. Disagreements on Parenting
Conflicts often arise when your in-laws have different views on parenting styles, discipline, or family traditions. They believe things will remain the same and that both of you are not entitled to have your own views on any of these things. Granted each of you brings family traditions and your own thoughts and feelings about parenting style, discipline, and values. However, these are issues should be addressed by the couple - not the in-laws.
9. Unclear Expectations or Miscommunication
Misunderstandings or assumptions about roles, responsibilities, or family involvement can lead to ongoing tension. Expectations often create disappointment especially when in-laws have a fixed mindset that roles will be continued and family involvement will be dictated by them from how they did it.
How to Manage Your Life With Toxic In-Laws
These strategies can help you navigate the complexities of relationships with toxic or overstepping in-laws while protecting your peace and maintaining strong boundaries. But remember, it isn’t always easy to take these steps so patience and grace is important as you navigate the challenges.
However, even though it isn’t easy doesn’t mean you shouldn’t start to take the steps necessary for your own peace of mind and peace in your life.
Set Clear and Firm Boundaries
Establish clear limits about what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior and stick to them. Whether it’s how often they visit, what personal details you share, or their involvement in decision-making, being firm from the start helps set expectations. Setting boundaries always has many ‘fits and starts’ just as a reminder.
Example: “We enjoy having you over, but we need at least a day’s notice before visits so we can prepare.”
Example: Learning how to have a proactive conversation with them if you are going to start sharing holidays.
Present a Unified Front with Your Partner
Make sure you and your partner are on the same page. Discuss and agree on boundaries together because often in-laws are less likely to overstep if they know you’re both in agreement and will back each other up.
Example: “Let’s both remind your parents about our preference for visits and make it clear we need more time alone.” Or if you both decide to manage each other’s family, should this be the case, you are still both on the same page.
Don’t Take Things Personally
Toxic in-laws may use criticism or manipulation to get under your skin. Recognize that their behavior is a reflection of their own issues, not your worth. Detach emotionally from their remarks, and focus on what you can control—your response. Use the ‘let them theory’ to help you do this. Choose your energy.
Example: “I hear what you're saying, but I’m not going to engage in this discussion. We’re doing what works best for us.” You can be clear and direct as well as kind in your delivery.
Prioritize Your Own Family and Well-Being
Whether it’s creating space for your marriage or ensuring your emotional health is prioritized, remember that your immediate family should always come first. You and your spouse can always carve out time for your in-laws when it feels right, but don’t neglect your needs both individually and as a couple.
Example: “We need this weekend to recharge as a couple. Let’s plan a visit with your parents next week.” Again, have a conversation around healthy and appropriate boundaries.
Keep Communication Direct and Calm
When dealing with difficult in-laws, clear communication is key. Avoid passive-aggressive or indirect language, and be honest without being hostile. If they push your boundaries, assertively restate them without engaging in an argument.
Example: “I understand you’re upset, but I need to let you know that we won’t be able to do that this time.”
Limit or Filter Information You Share
Over-sharing personal details can give overstepping in-laws ammunition to meddle in your affairs. Be mindful of what you disclose, especially about sensitive topics like finances, parenting, or relationship struggles.
Example: “We’ve decided not to discuss finances with anyone right now—it’s a personal matter between us.”
Take Time for Self-Care
Dealing with toxic in-laws can be draining, so prioritize self-care to maintain your mental and emotional health. Whether it’s therapy, exercise, or simply a quiet moment alone, make sure you're replenishing yourself.
Example: “I’m feeling overwhelmed, so I’m going to take a walk. I’ll be back in a bit.”
Final Thoughts
Navigating challenges with your toxic in-laws is essential for maintaining the health and harmony of your relationships, particularly with your spouse or partner. By setting clear boundaries, prioritizing self-care, and communicating openly, you protect not only your emotional well-being but also the stability of your home.
It’s important to remember that while you can’t control others’ behavior, you CAN control how you respond and how much access you give them to your life. And as I mentioned in the beginning, how much energy you CHOOSE to give them. Think about it.
Taking charge of these dynamics ensures that your relationship remains a source of support and love, rather than stress and tension.
And ultimately, creating a healthy balance between respect for your in-laws and care for your own needs fosters stronger relationships and a more peaceful life.
Struggling with a difficult in-law? Not sure where to start or what to do? Let’s chat!
