Growing Up in Chaos: Understanding Life as an Adult Child of an Alcoholic
If you are an Adult Child of an Alcoholic (ACoA) then you most likely grew up in a household where one or both of your parents struggled with alcohol abuse or addiction. You may have experienced lasting emotional, behavioral, psychological, and relational effects due to the instability, neglect, chaos, or dysfunction that is all too common. You are not alone.
As a result, developed survival mechanisms, such as hyper-responsibility, people-pleasing, or emotional suppression, to cope with the chaos that was often very unpredictable. Unfortunately, your childhood experiences impacted your self-esteem, trust in others, and ability to set healthy boundaries.
These patterns can and often do influence your relationships, emotional well-being, and decision-making well into adulthood.
Here is a quick quiz:
Answer Yes or No to the following questions:
Do you find it difficult to trust others or form close relationships?
Do you feel overly responsible for other people's emotions or problems?
Do you struggle with low self-esteem or feelings of inadequacy?
Do you often seek approval from others, even at your own expense?
Do you fear conflict or avoid confrontation, even when it's necessary?
Do you feel anxious when things are unpredictable or out of your control?
Do you gravitate toward people or relationships that feel unstable or chaotic?
Do you suppress your emotions or have difficulty expressing how you feel?
Are you a perfectionist or overly critical of yourself?
Do you feel the need to take on caretaker roles in your relationships?
Scoring:
Yes to 0-3 questions: You may exhibit some traits, but they likely don’t dominate your life.
Yes to 4-7 questions: These traits may have a moderate impact on your relationships and self-perception.
Yes to 8-10 questions: These traits might significantly influence your emotional well-being and behavior.
7 Common Dynamics Experienced by a Child
As an adult child of an alcoholic, you were treated in ways that reflect the chaotic and unpredictable nature of your parent's addiction. This treatment varies based on your parent’s emotional state, level of intoxication, and patterns of behavior. But still.
These experiences often lead to deep-seated feelings of guilt, shame, or unworthiness, as well as difficulties with trust, boundaries, and emotional regulation that are present in as an adult and continue to affect you in significant ways.
1. Neglect
Your parent(s) prioritized alcohol over your emotional, physical, or developmental needs. This neglect made you feel invisible or unimportant. Like you don’t exist. Your needs are not important.
2. Emotional Unavailability
Due to the effects of alcohol and the stress of addiction, your parent(s) was unable to provide emotional support or connection, leaving you feeling isolated or unsupported. They didn’t have the emotional bandwidth to provide you the support you needed.
3. Unrealistic Expectations
You might have been expected to take on adult responsibilities, such as caring for your siblings or managing household tasks, leading to parentification.
4. Inconsistent Behavior
Your parent’s mood and behavior fluctuated unpredictably depending on their intoxication or withdrawal state, creating an unstable and often frightening environment. You felt like you were walking on eggshells. Maybe you still do.
5. Criticism or Verbal Abuse
Under the influence, your parent(s) lashed out, belittled, or criticized you, causing lasting damage to your self-esteem. Verbal abuse is as harsh as physical abuse with long-lasting effects.
6. Manipulation
Your parents) used guilt, shame, or emotional blackmail to control you, often to justify their behavior or avoid accountability. They might have engaged in gaslighting you especially as an adult. This left you feeling really confused (and probably still feel this way).
7. Moments of Warmth or Dependence
At times, your parent(s) expressed love or relied heavily on you for emotional support, creating a confusing push-pull dynamic that made you crave approval. Something you probably continue to do. And maybe they continue to reinforce this dynamic.
17 Common Traits
These traits often develop as survival mechanisms during childhood but can interfere with healthy functioning in adulthood. How many of these can you identify with?
Difficulty Trusting Others: Growing up in an unpredictable environment often leads to skepticism and challenges in forming trusting relationships.
People-Pleasing Tendencies: You may prioritize others' needs over your own to avoid conflict or rejection. You may have a tendency to take on excessive responsibility or "people-pleasing" behaviors or ‘caretaker role.’
Fear of Abandonment: You often have an intense fear of being left behind, stemming from inconsistent emotional support during childhood.
Perfectionism: A desire to control your surroundings often translates into striving for perfection to avoid criticism or chaos.
Difficulty Expressing Emotions: You may struggle to identify or communicate your feelings due to being conditioned to suppress emotions in your early environment.
Overdeveloped Sense of Responsibility: You take on caretaking roles, feeling overly responsible for others' well-being.
Attraction to Dysfunctional Relationships: You may gravitate toward relationships that mirror the instability or emotional neglect of their upbringing. There is often ‘comfort in chaos.’ Even though on a rational level you don’t want a relationship that is like your upbringing, the comfort, the visceral feelings make it hard to walk away from.
Hypervigilance: You are often on high alert for potential problems or conflicts, as you have learned to anticipate and avoid crises growing up.
Fear of Conflict: You might avoid confrontation or difficult conversations due to a fear of escalating tensions, which you experienced as a child.
Low Self-Esteem: You tend to internalize feelings of inadequacy, believing you are not "good enough" due to the lack of validation in your upbringing.
Difficulty with Boundaries: You may either struggle to set boundaries, feeling obligated to please others, or set overly rigid boundaries to protect yourself.
Tendency to Isolate: You may withdraw socially or emotionally, feeling unsafe or unsure about connecting with others.
Imposter Syndrome: You might feel undeserving of success or fear being "found out" as inadequate, even when they perform well. This can lead to feeling like an imposter or having Imposter Syndrome.
Struggles with Intimacy: You find it challenging to form deep, trusting relationships due to unresolved fears of vulnerability and rejection.
Black-and-White Thinking: You may view situations, people, or emotions as all good or all bad, reflecting the extremes you experienced in childhood.
Difficulty Enjoying Spontaneity: Growing up in chaos might lead to discomfort with unpredictability, making you prefer rigid routines. You find it difficult to be flexible in your thinking or embrace change as part of life.
Overreacting to Change: Even minor disruptions can feel overwhelming due to your heightened sensitivity to instability.
Codependency Tendencies: You have codependency tendencies that manifest as a compulsion to prioritize others' needs over your own, driven by a deep desire for validation and fear of abandonment.
Need for Control: Your need for control often stems from growing up in an unsafe environment riddled with chaos and unpredictability. Seeking control over situations helps you feel more in control.
8 Steps to Overcome the Challenges of Being an ACOA
It is important to remember that overcoming this part of your upbringing is a gradual process. It involves self-awareness as you learn to embrace healing and growth with a focus on cultivating freedom, resilience, and healthier mental and emotional well-being.
1. Acknowledge and Understand Your Experiences
Recognize how your childhood environment has shaped your beliefs, behaviors, and emotional patterns. Our first family, or our family or origin affects each of us in many different ways - both positive and negative.
Educate yourself about the effects of growing up with an alcoholic parent to validate your feelings. You can read books such as Codependency No More or Adult Children of Alcoholics.
2. Seek Professional Support
Work with a therapist familiar with ACOA issues to explore and address unresolved emotions, such as shame, guilt, or anger.
Consider joining support groups like Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACA) to connect with others who share similar experiences.
3. Identify and Challenge Negative Beliefs
Examine limiting beliefs you may hold about yourself, such as feeling unworthy or responsible for others' emotions.
I'm not good enough to succeed."
This belief can hold you back from pursuing opportunities, taking risks, or reaching your full potential because it creates self-doubt and a fear of failure. Recognizing and challenging such beliefs is a critical step toward personal growth and building self-confidence.
Replace these with healthier, more empowering perspectives.
"I am capable of learning, growing, and succeeding."
This shifts the focus from perfection to progress, encouraging a growth mindset and reinforcing the idea that effort and persistence lead to improvement and achievement.
4. Develop Emotional Awareness
Learn to identify, accept, and express your emotions instead of suppressing or ignoring them.
Practice journaling or mindfulness to process feelings. Journaling helps with emotional expression by providing a safe and private space to process thoughts and feelings. Writing allows you to explore and articulate emotions, gain clarity about your experiences, and identify patterns in your thoughts or behaviors.
It also reduces emotional intensity by externalizing feelings, promotes self-awareness, and can foster problem-solving and emotional regulation. Over time, journaling supports healing and personal growth by encouraging reflection and mindfulness.
5. Set Healthy Boundaries
Learn to say no and prioritize your needs without guilt. Start setting boundaries with something simple that you feel confident about. This is a process.
This involves clearly defining what behavior is acceptable to you and communicating your limits assertively. Boundaries help you prioritize your needs, prevent codependency, and create relationships based on mutual respect.
Distinguish between what you are responsible for and what you are not, especially in relationships.
6. Cultivate Self-Compassion
Be kind to yourself as you navigate healing. Recognize that your past does not define your future - but only if you don’t allow it to. We all come with a past so what we do with it, is important. And as I often say, treat yourself as you would you friend. Show grace towards yourself.
Celebrate small victories and progress along the way. It’s important to journal and write about all of your ‘small wins’ as they add up to bigger, fundamental changes in your life.
7. Focus on Self-Care and Growth
Engage in activities that bring you joy and fulfillment, such as hobbies, exercise, or creative pursuits. Think about the things that bring you joy and start to take the steps to do these things. Not sure? Just look around the internet or other organizations that you might be interested in to get your mind thinking about this. Once you start to think about it and set a goal, your brain will continue to scan the environment for more information and suggestions. This will continue to grow.
Develop skills to improve communication, trust, and relationship-building. There are many ways to improve your communication. This (free!) eBook can help you get started with ways to improve your communication.
8. Break the Cycle
Reflect on patterns you may unconsciously repeat in your own behavior or relationships.
One way to reflect on patterns you may unconsciously repeat is to keep a relationship journal where you document recurring situations or conflicts.
Write about your interactions, emotions, and responses in detail. Over time, review your entries to identify themes, such as always feeling responsible for others' happiness or avoiding confrontation. This self-awareness helps uncover unconscious behaviors and gives you the clarity needed to make intentional changes in how you approach relationships.
Commit to creating a healthier environment for yourself and future generations.
Final Thoughts
Overcoming the challenges of being an adult child of an alcoholic is a journey of courage, self-discovery, and growth. While the scars of the past may have shaped who you are, they do not define your future.
By acknowledging your experiences, seeking support, and nurturing healthier patterns, you can break free from the shadows of your upbringing. Remember, healing is not about perfection but progress—each step forward is a victory. You have the strength to rewrite your story, cultivate self-compassion, and build a life grounded in authenticity, resilience, and joy.
Struggling with being an adult child of an alcoholic? Looking to break patterns? Let’s chat!
