7 Common Challenges for Adults Raised by Emotionally Immature Parents
Adult children raised by emotionally immature parents often face unique struggles as they navigate relationships, self-identity, and emotional well-being. This is because emotionally immature parents lacked the ability to provide the validation, empathy, and support you needed as a child. Unfortunately, even as an adult, this dynamic continues to exist and creates an ongoing cycles of frustration, unmet expectations, and emotional strain as these behaviors are deeply ingrained and challenging to navigate.
The reality that your parent’s limitations continue to prove difficult because even as an adult, your inner child wound doesn’t go away as your strong need for emotional connection continues.
Example: (name is changed for privacy)
Alex shared that he often found that his emotions were disregarded or minimized by his parents. When he expressed sadness or fear, his parents were often dismissed, saying things like "Stop being so sensitive" or "You’re overreacting." If he tried to share his personal achievements or milestones, the focus would quickly shift back to his parents’ own experiences or feelings, leaving him feeling invisible or unimportant. This happened often.
As a result, Alex learned to suppress his emotions and became hyper-focused on meeting his parents' needs or expectations, often sacrificing his own well-being in the process. Emotional conversations were either avoided or filled with parental outbursts, leaving him completely uncertain about how to communicate his feelings in a healthy way.
As an adult, Alex struggles with self-worth, setting boundaries, and trusting others, having internalized the belief that his feelings are not valid or worthy of attention. In therapy, we talk about the impact his upbringing had on him as this is an essential step toward healing, personal and emotional growth and self-acceptance.
One thing we have been working on is having Alex practice mindful self-reflection through journaling.
He has started the process of regularly writing down his emotions and experiences in an emotional journal. This has helped him immensely. He has created a safe space to acknowledge what he’s feeling without judgment. He has started to identify and label his emotions, such as, “I feel frustrated because I wasn’t heard during the meeting.” He takes this a step further and is able to affirm that his feelings are valid: “It’s okay to feel frustrated. My feelings matter, and it’s natural to want to feel heard and respected.”
He continues to do this both personally and professionally and over time, he has been able to see and internalize that his emotions are important, teaching him to rely less on external validation and instead trust his own emotional experiences as legitimate and worthy of attention. He is a work in progress (like we all are).
5 Common Unmet Emotional Needs
Emotional Validation
Your emotionally immature parents dismissed, minimized, or ignored your feelings as a child, which left you feeling invalidated or unimportant. This led to difficulty trusting your emotions and seeking external approval for validation.
Consistent Support and Nurturing
Your parents lacked the ability to provide stable, unconditional support. As a child, you felt you had to suppress your needs or earn their affection you craved and needed, which created insecurity and a fear of being a burden - to your parents, and as an adult, to others.
Healthy Boundaries
Your parents imposed their needs onto you as a child or failed to respect your individuality, making it difficult for you to develop a sense of autonomy and healthy personal boundaries.
Empathy and Understanding
You may have grown up feeling misunderstood because your parents struggled to connect with or empathize with your experiences. This lack of emotional attunement can lead to feelings of isolation and disconnection.
A Safe Environment to Express Emotions
Your parents may have reacted unpredictably or negatively to your emotions, discouraging open expression. This resulted in emotional suppression or difficulty handling emotions in adulthood.
7 Ways Adult Children Continue to Struggle
1. Difficulty Setting Boundaries
You feel guilt or fear when asserting your needs because your parents disregarded or invalidated your boundaries growing up.
2. Struggles with Self-Worth
Constant criticism, emotional neglect, or lack of validation leaves you with feelings of inadequacy or a need to seek external approval. You never learned how to self-validate because the focus was on getting the approval from your emotionally immature parents.
3. Caretaking or Role Reversal
You find that you take on a parental role for your emotionally immature parents, prioritizing their emotional needs over your own, even as an adult. As a child, you had no choice being raised by an emotionally immature parent but as an adult, you can start the process to change the role you have in your family and create a role that is healthier for you.
4. Conflict Avoidance
To maintain peace, you suppress your own feelings or avoid addressing issues, fearing emotional outbursts or rejection from your parents (which often happens).
5. Challenges with Emotional Regulation
Growing up with parents who couldn’t model healthy emotional responses left you struggling to process own emotions effectively.
6. Strained Relationships with Others
You replicate unhealthy patterns in friendships or romantic relationships, such as seeking unavailable partners or becoming overly dependent. This can lead to becoming codependent in different relationships in your life.
7. Lingering Resentment or Emotional Pain
The lack of emotional support and validation from your parents resulted in unresolved anger, sadness, or feelings of abandonment that persist as an adult. I see this often with my patients who struggle to move on from these feelings, leaving them feeling stuck.
How To Start Your Healing Process
Despite being raised by emotionally immature parents, you can absolutely start to heal from your struggles that continue to linger and fester as an adult. This process involves recognizing your roots, learning to practice self-compassion, taking actionable steps to be more intentional, and develop healthier coping mechanisms as all these will help you make a commitment to yourself towards personal growth with a focus on a healthier emotional well-being.
Understanding the impact of your family dynamics is key to breaking free from old patterns and fostering healthier boundaries and self-awareness. And remember that healing is an ongoing process, but taking these steps can help you reclaim your emotional well-being and create a more balanced, fulfilling life.
1. Acknowledge the Impact
Recognize how your parents’ emotional immaturity has shaped your feelings, behaviors, and relationships. Awareness is the foundation for healing as healing always begins with self-awareness. But that is just the first step.
Find a quiet place and start to write about your upbringing and the impact it had on your life. Come back to this often as you start the process, more thoughts and feelings will emerge.
2. Set Healthy Boundaries
Learn to say no, limit interactions that drain you, and establish clear boundaries to protect your emotional well-being. Setting boundaries is often a difficult and challenging step so start small.
Learn how to say ‘no’ to small things that you feel comfortable doing and as you become better at setting boundaries - which you will - continue to expand the list. Make a list of the boundaries you want to set and then one by one, chip away at them. These are all your small wins. The small wins add up to bigger wins.
3. Reparent Yourself
Provide the care, validation, and love to yourself that you didn’t receive as a child. Engage in self-soothing and nurturing practices to rebuild your sense of self-worth.
An example: You struggle with self-criticism and low self-esteem due to growing up in an environment where your achievements were dismissed, and mistakes were harshly criticized.
Steps to Reparent Yourself:
Recognize Negative Self-Talk:
You notice your inner critic saying, "You’re not good enough," when they make a mistake at work.
Replace Criticism with Compassion:
Instead of accepting the negative thought, consciously replace it with a nurturing response: "It’s okay to make mistakes. You’re learning, and that’s what matters."
Practice Self-Validation:
Celebrate small wins, like completing a challenging task, by affirming their effort: "I worked hard on this, and I’m proud of myself."
Seek Comfort:
When feeling overwhelmed, practice soothing techniques such as journaling, deep breathing, or visualizing a comforting presence that represents the ideal supportive parent.
Encourage Growth:
Instead of avoiding challenges out of fear of failure, they adopt a nurturing mindset, saying: "You can try this. No matter the outcome, I’ll support you."
4. Develop Emotional Regulation Skills
Practice mindfulness, journaling, or other techniques to help you identify and manage your emotions effectively.
Become familiar with your triggers. What sets you off? Is it a behavior or something that was said? Learn how to ‘sit’ with your feelings and acknowledge them.
5. Let Go of Unrealistic Expectations
Accept that your parents may not change or meet your emotional needs. Release the expectation for them to be someone they cannot be. This is a really important step. Remember that your parents came from someplace too and have their own family of origin challenges.
6. Build a Supportive Network
Surround yourself with emotionally healthy people who provide the connection and understanding you need. Seek out people in your life either personally or professionally who are good role models or live their life in a way that you want or that really resonates with you.
7. Focus on Personal Growth
Pursue hobbies, goals, and interests that nurture your sense of purpose and self-fulfillment. Ask yourself, ‘what is important to me?’ ‘What do I like to do?’ If you are unsure, start looking around the internet for ideas or read about how others take this step. Make a list. Learn to be intentional with your life. Check out this journal to get you started.
8. Practice Self-Compassion
Treat yourself with kindness as you navigate the healing process. It’s a journey, and progress often comes in small steps. Engaging in self-compassion is as easy as asking yourself how you would treat a friend or what you would say to them if they are struggling the same way. Then apply that to yourself. Give yourself grace and time to unravel this challenge.
9. Seek Professional Support
Work with a therapist who specializes in family dynamics or childhood trauma to process emotions and develop coping strategies.
Final Thoughts
Healing from being raised by emotionally immature parents is a journey of self-discovery, self-compassion, and growth. It involves recognizing the impact of your upbringing, breaking unhealthy patterns, and learning to meet your own emotional needs.
While the process can be challenging, it is also empowering, as it allows you to reclaim your sense of self and build healthier relationships. By seeking support, setting boundaries, and practicing self-care, you can move forward with a renewed sense of confidence and emotional resilience.
Healing is not about changing the past but about creating a more fulfilling and authentic future - one that resonates with your true self.
Looking to heal from being raised by emotionally immature parents? Let’s chat! Just fill out the form here and let’s get started.
Be brave and strong. This is a journey worth taking.
